I'm not lame.

2004-03-03T01:17:00.000-05:00

[Current Age: 20.999622 Years]

Last pair of X's I'll ever wear, short of going straightedge. Woo.

Everyone tells me congratulations, way to go, what are you going to get drunk on? Well, I really don't know. I don't like any of that alcohizzle shit. Never have. I hate what it does, I hate what it tastes like, and I hate that I am practically expected to stock my fridge with beer and watch the superbowl and eat chicken wings and belch loudly on command. Fuck all of that noise.

I figure I will get drunk though. I have to do it once, just to be inside that circle, even if it is from a dim and limited perspective. Then after I do it I will say I'll never do it again, and I don't imagine the temptation to break such a vow would be terribly threatening. Considering how little value I place on "getting fucked up" in the first place I can't imagine replicating what I feel to be among the least relevant accolades of my existence will be a terribly imminent item on my itinerary. My agenda concerns far more important things, like using alliteration and abusing pleonasms. Yeah, I linked to that word because I don't think you know what it means. I'm such an asshole.

I still go to the goth club pretty much every week. Last night I found myself considering why. I didn't know. I usually just sit there. I enjoy the peoplewatching that I do, the music is good, the atmosphere is pretty fun even though I cannot overcome my fear of strangers' judgement and get on the fucking dance floor sometime. Mostly though I have always thought that I was there for Paul, because his parents are not comfortable with him going to "that part of town" alone, even though the place is like a block and a half from the Raleigh Police Department. Plus he enjoys the company, I enjoy the company, we are hanging out. That is good. What does it matter if we hang out at a gaybar on goth night? Still, couldn't I be doing better things than being a social retard amidst much more experienced exuders of angst, barely moving for several hours?

Well who is to say whether pirating entertainment off the internet, watching Adult Swim, practicing Shoryukens, or watching some pr0n are better than that? But I will say that meeting and talking to people and generally engaging in activity I like to call "hanging out" because I think probably a lot of other people call it that too is more than likely definately better than that. Which is cool, because that is what I did last night. I think maybe I will do it again.

Also, eating at IHOP at 3am fucking rules. That is all.

2004-02-14T13:58:00.000-05:00

Once upon a midnight dreary
As I lay on my bed, my wang weak and weary
Cursing all the high school whores

Who'd never given it up to a dork self-proclaimed
Whose inexperienced heart went raw and unmaimed
Ninjas the only creatures I did not abhor

The internet was my only refuge
From pathetic sorrow outpouring in deluge
Making wisecracks in IRC 6.4

Hark, unto me an instant message comes
A reference from a friend, I thought the idea quite dumb
Never did I think I would think it more

Lo, what is this? A female who plays videogames?
Who writes BX and knows Japanese names?
Impressive also is her knowledge of Harry Potter lore

I think she likes me, holy Jesus fuck
She lives far away in Iowa, what rotten luck
Via webcams we seem to have struck a chord

We shop for goth clothes and discuss ramifications
Of ninjas and gays and playing Playstations
My heart has been thus captured never before

Over long distance, between teeth clenched in angst
Venues of travel to meet her are planned in no pants
It's like a 20 hour drive or something in my Ford.

I write this poem in earnest, quietly clacking away
To tell Leah in Iowa "Happy Valentine's Day"
Because I think she's awesome to the core.

Happy Valentine's day Tabby! Here is how I really feel about you:

2004-02-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

Your wings are DRAGON wings.

Massive and covered in scales, they shimmer with strength and magic. They are the most obvious display of your power - though it runs equally throughout your heart and mind. You are uncompromising and grave, with a profound sense of justice. You have firm ideas about what is right and what is wrong and set out to fix what problems you can. You realize that you are more capable of dealing with life and evil than most, and as such you see it as your responsibility to protect those who cannot defend themselves. You have existed since antiquity and as such you are wise far beyond your years in this lifetime. While you strive for fairness and peace, if someone should steal from your cave of treasure (though not all that glitters is gold) or compromise the happiness of you or one who is close to you - they have signed their death warrant. You have a mighty vengeance and will unleash it upon such people immediately and mercilessly. Arguing with you is useless...you rarely back down and are known for holding firm in your beliefs. Sometimes you feel intensely burdened with the troubles of others...acting as a Guardian can get so wearisome. But you never give up...you see it as your life's mission. Often very introverted, you can be so smart...it's scary. Such a combination of intelligence, creativity, power, beauty, and magic is often intimidating to those around you - who are also unlikely to understand you. Arrogant, proud, overserious and sometimes a bit greedy or obsessed with whatever treasure you choose to pursue...you have enchanted people for centuries, and will continue to do so.

Claim Your Wings
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-02-01T03:12:00.000-05:00

Robbie Rob: breaking the hearts of gay men everywhere since '04.

Sup.

This post is running a bit late, it should have preceeded the previous post even. But think of it like a Quentin Tarantino movie where it is out of chronological order but in the end that just makes it funnier and more interesting.

So here is the first chronicling I did of our trip to the Goth/Gay club, one where dudes did not hit on me. It was pretty cool, the music that night was most excellent and the atmosphere was pretty kickin with the amount of people that showed up.

Here we are getting ready to leave, apparently we were trapped in "The Ring" but we worked our way out and did not die 7 days later so I think we are in the clear. Wait my TV just turned on O SHI

So anyhow immediately upon entering the club we met this fellow. His name is Chris, he is a Goth model and is moving to Pennsylvania to become a professional makeup artist. Also according to my BFF his clavical piercing or whatever is too shallow and will fall out.

The dance floor was pretty kickin. Paul stepped on for the Manson, stayed for the NIN, and stayed longer for the Rob Zombie. This dude was kind enough to let me steal his soul. He said he did not actually have one in the first place, some kind of birth defect, so the camera probably didn't get anything really. Eh.

Shanna was kind enough to let me take a picture even though she felt she was looking "sweaty and gross." She goths up the place quite nicely, especially with those kickin' rad tattoos. Afterward we hit the gas station for postclub munchies, and I managed to get a shot of Paul in full Cleric uniform. Unfortunately my camera like jammed or something and I couldn't get a shot of him instantly murdering 6 ninjas that came out of fucking nowhere and jumped him. It was awesome though you should have seen it.

2004-01-30T03:35:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from the club with Paul.

It was pretty slow tonight, there was this wintery type weather crap that made shiz all icy and nobody wants to leave their house I guess at all this week even though the shizzle is all but completely melted. There were some regulars of goth night there, including Shanna, who I got pictures of last time I was there as well. She and her husband frequent the joint at least as often as every time I have ever been there, and I think she goths up the place quite nicely. Not everyone dressing down for goth night is necessarily going for the goth look.

Of course, it is still a gay and lesbian bar, it is simply a gay bar with a theme two nights a week. The gay bar across the street actually has hip hop night on Thursdays as well, and it is interesting to see the two crowds comingle in the same parking lot when they close up. Anyway, the point to this paragraph is that I got hit on by a dude tonight.

Next paragraph. So I took a few notes from the guy hitting on me, he had obviously given his approach some thought. I think I should get it out of the way that I was actually flattered when I realized what was going on and my sexuality did not feel threatened at all. He had interrupted some ladywatching (cleavage on the dance floor, woo!) and since I sort of have a self confidence problem about how attractive I appear towards others it was a boon to my self esteem.

I tried to play along with the guy because hey, maybe I am not gay, but I will at least try to see where he wants this to go. Maybe when he figures out that I like the ladies he'll be able to introduce me to a nice single lady gothfriend who would like to take me home for wild, kinky, vampiric blooddrinking sex. Come to think of it I should have used that for his last question. Here is the dialogue, more or less paraphrased but quoted when possible, and in chronological order:

"Hey, what's that? Is that a camera? Are you taking pictures?"

Good icebreaker. Relevant, shows general interest, leads into topical conversation shallow enough to allow treading into deeper waters.

Yeah, I am.

"Of what?"

Just different people.

"You go to school around here?"

Checking my age. The X's on my hands put up a flag, I suppose. Nope, not going to school right now.

"Oh, you're done with school?"

Yeah. So now he knows I'm legal.

"What do you do?" Nothing special. "What do you want to do?" I dunno.

I guess I wasn't the most interesting prospect with hot hot responses like that, but that didn't phase him. I guess my apparent lack of sexual manly lust for him in my responses showed.

"So you see any ladies you like around here?"

Ah. Checking to see if I swing his way. Good, maybe we can get this bit cleared up. Yeah, there are some hotties on the dance floor tonight.

"Yeah? I like more of a group thingself."

Well crafted answer. Being bisexual does not disarm his intentions but it also does not exclude my love for boobies from the conversation. He still has steady ground to walk on. Since I haven't freaked out at this point, moved away from him, or done anything in general other than politely continue the conversation he reads it as a go ahead.

"So what is your wildest sexual fantasy?"

Whoa. Slow down partner. If you were gonna make a cityboy switch teams tonight you should have built up to that one a little more. This is the point where I give half-answers and shake my head with a lot of "I don't knows" which is kind of where my half of the conversation had been the whole time anyway. Mostly I was thinking about how "el oh el" the situation seemed (I am such a nerd) and what friends in both the real and the internet domains would say, how they would react when they read about this.

Eventually I got a picture of the dude because I knew that I simply had to blog the event, and quietly moved to sit down next to Paul who was waiting for good music to come on. It was 80's night, and Paul being more on the metal side of goth could not bring himself to dance to "Hey Mickey." The evening had already started to wear thin, and we left shortly thereafter, and watched as people coming out of the gay bars flocked to the hot dog stand across the street. Please make any hot weiner jokes yourself because I will not be doing it for you.

Also I got Paul hooked on Red Bull, which a friend once described as "liquid crack, cherry flavored."

2004-01-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

The other day my dad found some gaming relics of mine. What you are about to witness is like partly religion to me, it is as much a part of my youth as my mother's passing or that time all the popular kids in middle school made fun of me in front of the girl I liked. Behold, my Sega merchandise:

Yes, I was a Sega boi growing up, not Nintendo. My first gaming system, which was actually very much a jointly shared gaming system between my siblings and myself, was in fact a straight up Nintendo Entertainment System. We loved that thing, seeing as how we were all raised on some Atari games.

Pitfall was a beloved classic by my older sister and I, even if it was totally hard as balls and there wasn't even a reward if you were good at it. Anyhow, the days of Super Mario Brothers, a game that can be beaten in 13 minutes nowadays was played daily back then and never defeated, were a fond memory. I remember how my sister would jerk the controller into the air when performing jumps, claiming that it increased the height Mario attained on screen.

Eventually though, we succumbed to the allure of mighty Sega and their hip and edgy, cool new and blue mascot. I continue to maintain that Sonic The Hedgehog is the mawfuckin' bizzomb. As the years wore on and Sega continued to produce hip and edgy gaming hardware, we bought into it. It was never quite successful, and eventually the questionable quality of so much of their software as well as the prohibitive prices led us to kick the Sega habit before we indulged in what is probably among the top 5 most inane gaming systems in all of electronic history (a topic for another article), the 32X.

But we did buy into the Sega CD a bit, as can be seen. Additionally, we own several of the greatest games to ever exist, including Popful Mail, Eternal Champions, and...I get all tingly when I get to this one because by all rights it should not have come to fruition as excellent as it is, ROBOCOP VERSUS TERMINATOR. I cannot believe that game even exists, I feel like a liar telling you about it.

You may also notice a Nomad, a gigantic beast claiming that it is a portable system, but really that is like a Tyrannosaurus telling you that HE is portable, when clearly you could not carry him like even a foot and probably in the end he would eat you.

Maybe in a few years I will ebay all this shit for fun and profit.

So like, I have gone with my buddy Paul down to the goth club a couple times now. It is actually usually a gay and lesbian bar, but some nights they have goth night where people of all orientations show up to show off their awesome black leather dresses and whatnot. Really it is a pretty interesting place to be, as there are a number of attractive ladies, many who can dance and many who cannot. I have seen a total of like 3 guys that can actually dance and that includes Paul. I am not sure if that is a chromosomal thing or what, maybe it's not their fault, since I am not OMG the uberdancer either. Actually I haven't really been out on the floor yet, I have been too busy peoplewatching.

I think that segues nicely* into my next bit, which is about how I am Amy's sister's date to her high school homecoming dance. Hannah, the girl in question, asked me to go and I was entirely too flattered to say no. It will be a bit weird going to a homecoming dance since I have been out of high school for a few years, and also I avoided all my own homecoming dance opportunities in high school because I was very angsty and anti-social back then. But really I figure going to this one will be pretty cool, because I get to dance with a very pretty girl and be the mysterious older guy. We are going to be the coolest couple in the room, you'll all see.

*horribly

2004-01-10T23:36:00.000-05:00

So they, and by they I mean the almighty chocolate producing company known as Hershey's, they make these things called Swoops now. I am all "Dubya Tee Eff, Mayte" when I see these things because they look like chocolate pringles or some shit. Which would be perfectly fine with me, I guess, a little weird but probably more on the normal side of chocolate covered pretzels so I would permit such a product to exist if I had my own island where pants and ugly people were banned.

These tiny edible maxi pads intrigued my dad as well, so much so that on a random tasty beverage run he picks some of these oddities up. So, they taste just like a regular Hershey bar. I mean, dubya tee eff for realz!? Why wouldn't you just buy a Hershey bar instead? They are cheaper and you get more choco. What could these chips of chocolate with their incredibly odd shape possibly be good f...

O Shi

YES!

FUCKING SCORE!

Brilliance, Hershey brand of America. I salute you, though I may or may not be wearing pants.

So I guess this is a food post. I grew up on Japanese food. Shizzle is good. I have always been eating stuff that my friends thought was weird because it had soy sauce on it or some of the ingredients came in packaging you could not decipher.

So, rice. Staple of a typical diet pretty much everywhere throughout Asia. But I don't mean Uncle Ben's long grain rice. That nig's rice is the suck (not racist). I mean sticky rice, cooked in a rice steamer, an appliance I am sure most American households do not contain. I mean rice covered in dried fish flakes and doused in soy sauce. The flakes add some flavor and a pleasurable texture, and mix well with the saltyness of the soy sauce. They also dance and flail and squirm atop a bowl of piping hot rice, much like they were alive.

This freaked me the fuck out when I was a little me, I assure you. But I can also assure you that the fish is quite dead, and it is simply the heat and moisture from the rise that causes it to warp and bend. You also have the option of cracking a raw egg into the rice and mixing it in, which may cook it entirely if the rice is fresh enough. You can microwave it a bit if you are not sure.

If all that is not amazing enough, we still have to cover mochi! Mochi is also made out of rice! WAU! Here is a picture to better convey the size of these little bricks of brilliance.

You may compare it with either my hand or the evil demon that appeared in the background that I had to combat using ninja rice skills shortly after that photo was taken. So you store these little cakes of rice frozen, and toast them when you desire a snack so gooey no American food product or byproduct can stand in.

People of Robbie Rob's blog, I give you, toasted mochi. It is crispy and flaky on the outside and more gooey and sticky on the inside than solid matter this side of peanut butter can be. It is also very very hot and fucking delicious when doused in soy sauce. I am willing to bet a fair bit of you will be grossed out by that last picture, but the prospect delights me which is why I am warning you after I linked it. Silly gaijins.

2004-01-08T02:04:00.000-05:00

Merry New Hanukwanza Year! I think that covers everybody. For the athiests out there I will say "Fuck you, gimmie presents!" I am not sure what everybody does for New Years, it seems like the only constant is "to party," and if you're anything like Kerry that means getting drunk and eating black eyed peas.

Speaking of the sister units, the visit up north and their reactionary visit down south were quite pleasing over all, except for a small fight I got into with my little sister where she proclaimed "YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS!"

I tell you I felt pretty bad about that.

So, pictures! That is my favorite photo from the trip right there. Kerry says she doesn't like it because she looks like a goob or something but I think she looks fine. My whole immediate family is in there and I like how it reads from left to right, up to smoking Liz's reflection in the store window. Here is my second favorite:

It makes me look like I might actually be a photographer or something.

Then there is this crazy poster. Hurrah for badly translated slogans. I picked up a borderline ridiculous amount of CD's. That Radiohead in the corner is sadly not mine, 'twas a Christmas present, because really I was supposed to be Christmas shopping but I slipped and fell and accidentally bought myself some awesome music.

I also bought some books. You cannot let me loose in a bookstore because I am some kind of nerd and we nerds like some books. The pool shots book is also sadly not mine because I was Christmas shopping goddammit, and man does that take some willpower because I would love to be a pool shark since right now I kind of suck. But I also slipped and fell again and hit my head and when I woke up I had purchased a small book about speaking Japanese. It is a very cool language and I think because I am 1/4 Japanese it is not an altogether goofy notion for me to think that maybe I should try and learn it. Mostly I would like to make up insults on the spot in front of people without them knowing I am talking shit about their flaming homo butterpants. If someone reading my blog can translate that into Japanese please email me IMMEDIATELY.

My Dad bought these for somebody and I think I will have to steal them because I would also love to be really good at chess. It makes me look like I am smart and I can pretend I am a condescending super intellectual while I'm playing it. I will quip "Zounds! Foul Fiend!" whenever my opponent makes a move and when I make my brilliant counter I will spout "Har! Foiled again, I see!" It will be so awesome*. *I will not actually do any of this.

So Christmas was good, I got some games, and they are awesome. I also got some smoove cologne and some fucking awesome wind-up sushi. How motherfucking awesome is that? I must be the only boy in the world with it.

RANDOM MY DOG IS CUTE TIME™ IS NOW:

Here is Amy, my buddy's girl, being cute. She is modelling the necklace that my sister made that I got her for Christmas. In that picture you can also see Patrick acting like a goob, as per usual. But that is why we keep him around.

The other day we were driving Amy home and were really pissing her off by reading and saying words backwards. She does not like it for some reason and we didn't cut it out when she asked, so the car got kind of irked all around and there was uncomfortable silence after a sudden outburst. Then Patrick started in slowly with "Leeeeaaavin...on a jet plane. Don't know when I'lllll be back again." I joined him, and we sang that line quietly as he changed up the pitch every now and then, and then suddenly we both stopped, and the car was silent once more.

Joe just said "That was awesome" and Amy laughed. Mission Accomplished! I admit the scene as evidence towards Pat's goobness though.

My dog is so cute.

I am going to read this book and get so smart, you'll see. You'll ALL see! Mwuhahahhahahahahahaaaa!

END.

2004-01-03T00:42:00.000-05:00

FUCK!

Also, Happy Holidays!

This is just a mini-update to make it look like the site is active because I am very trixy. I just want to say that I recently had a theory about why stuff sucks sometimes, cause it seems like everyone's stuff starts to suck around the same time. I just happen to know a lot of people who have sucky stuff going on I guess. Anyway I think there is like some universal constant for the state of things, and usually it is set to "pretty good" or "eh, can't complain" but lately something screwed it up, maybe a bug like fell in or something and it is set to "fuck all yous." So here we are, dealing with our sucky stuff because the universe's well oiled machine is calibrated incorrectly or something, and we just all have to hang and deal until the cosmic janitor comes and fixes it, and that might take a while. He's really old, and there's boxes in the way, and the light probably burnt out by now. And there's some stairs. Yeah, it could take a bit.

I picture it like the Hudsucker Proxy where there are two old men in janitor suits fighting amidst heavy machinery, not because it makes a good visual analogy but because it is funny.

Peace Out.

P.S. FUCK!

2003-12-23T02:37:00.000-05:00

So my buddy Paul with the lady troubles did this questionaire thing for the New Year or whatever to I guess give email circle jerks more meaning or something, I don't know, I think this crap is pretty trite but what the hell I'll go with it, it could be fun. Please excuse the overly dark answers he gives, he does not yet realize that even if his lady does not come back to him he is too cool for her conniving ways and will meet a much cooler lady later on anyway and it will all be good. Paul I know if you read this you'll be all "yeah what does he know he's never been in love" even if you don't say it you'll think it when you rule out what I'm saying as possible fact and reason to not be sad about some shit like this. But you know what? I am wrong about a lot of things but I am right about this.

On to the questionaire!

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Had a fru fru drink. Played Magic The Gathering. Saw New York, and witnessed first hand what a shithole Baltimore is.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember if I made any or not, but they were probably something like "Don't shit the pillowcase" so I think I am in the clear for that one. At least if I meant don't shit my pillowcase.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. That would be weird.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Woo.

5. What countries did you visit?
Greece, Italy, Norway, Japan, Russia, and Britain with the exception of all the places I just mentioned.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Sex.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Who the hell remembers dates? Yeah d00d the 12th totally rocked! I mean unless it's a Birthday or something. I guess the runner up will be days I remember specifically as very good days, and that will be the day I messaged Kat on AIM out of fucking nowhere and the day I got my PS2 after years of waiting.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The PS2 I guess. And being in good enough shape to run a mile and a half without dying. Oh and the 98 out of 99 on the ASVAB, that rocked.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Life progressed almost nowhere. Action is on hiatus, just worked on gaining wisdom this year. I think I fucked that up too though so whatever.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Dude that gallbladder debacle hurt so goddamn bad, I can't even tell you. I'm glad that thing is out of me.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My PS2. Or maybe this Rob Dougan CD. Or that Russian Mail Order Bride.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Amy, because she makes me feel like a cool person just being around her. Joe needs to stop being so cranky when we all hang out though, that buttfor.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mostly my own when I think about it, I mean going by what I've done this year I'm pretty much a failure at many things. I think the fact that that does not bother me at all may either be a good sign or a bad thing. We will see if I am still stuck here a year from now that it is probably a bad thing.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Games, hanging out with friends. Fun costs money.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Man I anticipate stuff all the time now but I really can't remember being excited about anything other than the fact that a cute girl might have been going to the Nutcracker ballet thing with me, I mean that was pretty cool that she didn't say no and was all interested but when she apparently left town and never came back that was kind of a downer. Eh.

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
Paul I'm serious I hate Evancanesnexnsesnce or whatever. Goddamn Pop Metal.
-Furious Angels, Rob Dougan

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or Sadder: Happier
ii. Thicker or Thinner: Thinner.
iii. Richer or Poorer: Richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise, academic accomplishment, travel.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I'll steal Pauls and say Procrastination because really that's what I did all year.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Home with the sister units, playing some videogames and eating a pie. Maybe 2 pies if I fucking feel like it.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
No. Perhaps a blog post consisting of meaningless diatribe about the love beliefs of a somewhat observant fly on the wall is in order.

23. How many one-night stands?
I fucking wish.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Farscape? Space Ghost Coast to Coast? Most Extreme Elimination Challenge? Battlestar Galactica? Samurai Jack? Attack of the Clones microseries? Who can choose?

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
My older sister's ex, Jemshit. He's a total assbadger.

26. What was the best book you read?
Dune. Rekindled my reasoning for why sci fi > fantasy.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
DJ Shadow, Ladytron, and of course Rob Dougan.

28. What did you want and get?
Indulgent parenting, lack of responsibility, someone to tell flaming midget jokes too.

29. What did you want and not get?
Someone to cause pheromone induced chemical impulses resulting in endorphins releasing into the bloodstream. Meangingless sex validating carnal knowledge of the estranged gender gained through pornography. Wings. Army of Deadly Ninja Assassinroids.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Matrix Reloaded, definately. Fuck haters.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I do not even remember, I think my birthday must have sucked. I was 20, which is such a useless age I have no adjective to appropriate its irrelevance to a human male, its complete invalidity towards accessing anything previously inequitable, though my personal vernacular comprises many such paragons of emotional expression in circulation within today's English lexicon.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Touching boobies.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Conservative. Sharp when I wanna be, messy on purpose.

34. What kept you sane?
Porn. Brilliantly executed videogames like Viewtiful Joe. The belief that Reality TV is just a terrible fucking fad that will die horribly and forever.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kirsten Dunst. She will have many babies and they will all be fucking MINE.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Shut. The Fuck. Up.

37. Who did you miss?
I don't even know what this question means, be silent immediately.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Kat. To the max. Voted most awesome nerd of '03.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
Mama always said, "Don't shit the pillowcase."

Alternatively, "The people you think are cool are only cool because you think so."

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I hate this song lyric shit, but if I must:

"With your feet in the air
and your head by the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse,
and there's nothing in it" -Where Is My Mind, Pixies

Seriously Paul goths are not cool people because they are goths, they are lame just like everyone else, just in a different way. Like, more sad. Stop it. I'll piss on your fucking grave, you understand?

2003-12-21T23:11:00.000-05:00

Sup nigs. I'm on my sister's Mac laptop utilizing my Uncle Mike's WiFi network in Maryland. It's pretty cool, really makes me want a laptop of my own for some WiFi goodness. Plus I really like the keyboards on these iBooks, they have that "laptop" feel that my fingers apparently crave. I have a metric asston of pictures from the trip, and I'll probably have a few more since my sisters are with me for the next couple of days and it's like all Christmas and stuff. I'll try not to post a bunch of boring landmark pictures from Providence, although that town is really cool and is actually very pretty and I am not saying their landmarks suck and are boring or anything. Oh sup hang on I'm AIMing over here too and watching Finding Nemo this WiFi thing is neat.

Ok so I'm really not going to type much today because I'm finding this mouse thingie cumbersome and getting a bunch of links to make myself seem funny would be a pain in the ass and fuck yous guys you're getting that kind of effort out of me.

But later I will tell you all about poopsocks and stuff I did and saw in Rhode Island and these really awesome CDs I got and okay so I am just going to shut up now because I bet you are not even paying attention to what I'm typing now you're just going "Poopsocks!? What!?" cause I mean that's just a pretty funny word anyway but it caused some post-anecdotal hilarity between my sisters and I as well.

I'm all set.

2003-12-18T02:21:00.000-05:00

This is just a quickie post to update on current goings on, since I may not get to post again till like Tuesday. Information will be mainstreamed with no links and presented in bullet format:

-My dog is awesome.

-I'm leaving for Rhode Island tomorrow/today to visit the sister units. I won't make it in one shot, we're going to stay the night at my Uncle Mike's house who is a really cool uncle and lives in Maryland.

-I still haven't packed, I'm going to go do that in a minute actually.

-I have way too many videogames. I have two rentals from Gamefly.com that are both really cool and bloody and I bought another game on the cheap where you fuck up some undead zombies or something which is always fun, plus my fighting games, plus several other completely awesome games I have yet to complete but purchased months ago.

-Up in Rhode Island I am going to attempt to hang out with an internet buddy maybe, we could meet up at a Dave and Busters' and I can test my fighting game mettle against guys that are actually breathing and stuff. It will be weird though because we will still have to call each other by our internet monikers, but that's actually kind of cool.

-It's going to be awesome hanging out with my sisters we are going to do so much stuff.

-Chocolate Milk fucking rules, it's pretty good I mean, I bet God drinks it a lot cause it's so tasty.

-Return of the King was completely fucking rad, I liked it a lot, between this and The Last Samurai my awesome action movie quota for the week has been filled, although I still need to watch 28 Days Later on DVD which I hear is pretty sweet.

-I'm not done Christmas shopping but I think I have what I want to get everybody in mind already so it's just a matter of buying it with all that imaginery money that I have.

-I need to get to sleep fucking right quick.

-Peace out, nigs.

2003-12-15T02:37:00.000-05:00

Boxers or Briefs?

Why the fuck does it matter? I mean really, has anyone stopped and gone "man, I really wish I was wearing a different style underpants right now." Well, yes, I bet they have, but that guy is pretty fucked up. Besides, most people just answer "hybrids." I guess middle-of-the-road is pretty popular these days.

Ok so maybe it's not totally irrelevant, comfort is important. Personally, I prefer the freedom of boxers, and by freedom, yes, I mean being unrestricted when both authorized and unauthorized activities-conclealed-by-the-pants are happening. I'm sorry Kerry I won't ever mention that again, I'm just saying. This is more of a confessional right here, but I'm saying it anyway: I often go commando and don't think twice about it. There, I fucking said it, you can eat me, Jennifer Aniston and your no-panties-subplots.

Shit, I think I used up all available hyphens for this post already.

So I watched a Christmas parade the other day with ever popular friends Amy and Joe. Really it sounds like they are the only friends I have and that is basically true since all my other friends have gone away because of school or the military. But I went and it was very cold and there was wind but Amy bought me some hot chocolate and that was awesome. We watched the parade with her family, who is fairly odd but then what family isn't? It's what makes family lovable in that sitcomedy sort of way (sup I stole your word, Joe). Anyway they are probably more normal than me but it's not like that's really hard to do. Yes I made spiritual symbols out of my lunch, what of it? Note that I only ate the evil half of that cheese.

I went Christmas shopping today; no, that's a lie, I went ME shopping and managed to buy something for somebody else while I was at it. Best Buy does that to a ~~man~~ nerd. While I was there I picked up Gross Pointe Blank which, as my BFF in BFE will confirm is a fucking awesome movie. I also noticed a girl playing the PsOne display in the store. Crash Team Racing was the game.

The girl was cute from the side, and from the front too, but that assessment would prove futile. So when I noticed that she was actually doing quite well at the game, better than I would have done, well enough that she proved she had a real understanding of the game, I got excited. I don't mean like my wanger went WAZOO and was all "Sup d00dz!" or anything, I'm just saying I was wowed. I have encountered few people with a real understanding of a game or the skills to accompany said knowledge. Maybe Crash Team Racing isn't the hardest game ever, but it's not the point. She was kicking ass, and would have kicked my ass if I had made a challenge. I don't know, I was just standing there thinking "whoa," Neo style, and it was a heartwarming experience. See, I'm a total nerd.

I thought about ~~hitting on~~ talking to the girl but then I realized she was kind of young, and when her mom told her it was time to go and she turned and I saw that she was probably around 16 I was like "oh." I wasn't really heartbroken or anything, I didn't think I had finally found The One or something, I was just a little disappointed that the girl was not approachable for reasons beyond my control. Oh well. It was still pretty cool.

This paragraph is a complete run on sentence I was supposed to get a Christmas tree with my Dad today but we didn't because we spent too much time shopping and then we went and ate something and then went grocery shopping and then we were playing with our cool stuff from Best Buy and then I had to go to work which sucked I really didn't want to go and man it is REALLY dark in the back of that building when the power goes totally out for no apparent reason for about a minute I mean you cannot see SHIT I was waving my hands in front of my face like an idiot and couldn't see them.

Also at work, some guy who apparently orders a fair amount of pizza from us called in an order. This guy is known to some of the drivers, for he is an ornery old bastard, and a drunk to boot. When I say drunk I mean it in a redefining sense, I mean when you think of Ken in Grosse Pointe Blank being a drunk that is like 1/3 the drunkitude that this guy was. This is all secondhand information, but I'm going to tell it like it happened to me anyway because it will cut down on commas.

Guy calls us and says we forgot his drink. He didn't order a drink, but Pizza Hut Customer Code states that they're allowed to fuck us for free food approximately 3 times. He is obviously drunk, slurred speech and crude language referencing his genitals being dead givaways. Actually that second one is probably just because he is a backwoods redneck, we have some of those around here.

So after reassuring the guy that we are not just going to microwave the food and send it back out to him, he demands we bring him the old P'zones along with the new ones just so he's sure. Whatev. We get there with the food, he's got an axe by the front door. A fucking axe! Not a big deal, but as he stammers to the door, wait, he barely stammers to the door, he reaches down for the axe! What!? What the fuck? He's going to use an axe!? For what? Killing the delivery guy!? No, he grabs a dog collar near the axe for no reason and mutters "Damn dog always takin' off its collar...mrmmhrmmmm."

K. So he grabs the new food, doesn't even look at it to make sure it's not cold or incorrect or whatever he claimed was wrong with the first batch, and tosses it on a table. He throws the old food back on the delivery bag.

NINJAS ARE FUCKING AWESOME:

"Are you going to take the cold P'zones too, sir?"

"Yeah, fuckin' dog's gotta eat somethin!"

The dog is in the middle of the floor eating garbage, currently chewing on the empty casing of a balogna package. Malnourished looking, but will be getting a Kingly (by dog standards) meal this night.

"Hey, come'ere, outta the cold, come'in lookit my statue I jes bought"

"Uh, yes, it's very nice!"

"You don't have any idea what the fuck yer lookin at, do ya?"

He sees through the patronizing ploy to get the fuck out of there immediately.

"Uh, no, haha."

"Here," he grabs it and walks, barely, over to show it off. It's a statue of an Eagle carrying Saddam Hussein in its claws. "Hehe, bought it today, you like it?"

This man is nuts. But he tips well. He grabs a bucket full of change and says, "Here, you wanna tip?"

"Sure!"

"Don't fuck with rednecks! Heh heh!"

Haw. But he takes a big handful of the change, gives it as a tip, and throws the rest of the bucket's contents on the floor.

It totaled $4.53, which is more than most people tip. Plus we all learned to not fuck with rednecks, I guess.

2003-12-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

I just can't stop making these things.

2003-12-11T03:01:00.000-05:00

My BFF in BFE Kat showed me this Mr. Picassohead thing which I think is genius. It's a pretty powerful applet for creating interesting images, that one there is just a test run of mine and wouldn't be interesting except I think the title makes it slightly worth a lol.

My next attempt went outside the box a little. I'm pretty happy with the results, although I wish the signature didn't overlap into the image, I would have done that differently if I had been fully competant with the tools. Also if I'd had more space I would have put a little Abe Lincoln hat on him.

You can get pretty crazy with the stuff they give you, but it takes some work. The tools aren't perfect. That guy right there though, I am a fan of his picasso derivative art. I also like how you can basically just make something that has nothing to do with creating odd faces or abstract emotion.

I think I'll do a few more of those things before I'm done. If you don't like them you can face the fucking fury of Shorty McNinjapants. You understand? You get THE CLAWS, bitch!

Ok I'm done, I really need to get to bed now.

2003-12-09T01:31:00.000-05:00

I have a splitting headache and I don't know why. Urgh. I wish someone would punch me in the face so I would at least have a reason why my brain aches. But I also watched the new Battlestar Galactica and personally I am fucking impressed. They have some impressive actors on that thing, some not so impressive, but overall good characters. I think changing Starbuck to a hot chick is both insulting because of the political correctness of it and awesome because tough hot chicks rule. Well constructed sets, inspired cinematography at times, and a too-close-to-earth version of their homeworld being nuked into oblivion really hits home pretty close, you feel more like something horrible, something desparately horrible has happened than you did when you watched the original series. Plus that Psylon lady breaking a baby's neck is fucking hardcore.

This part of the post is for Amy, I know you like reading about yourself on here, I don't know why, it's not like anybody else reads this thing. But I'm just saying what's up Amy, you rule, you are very cool for putting up with sick babies that puke on you all day. Also I am sorry I missed that perfect proposal show on TLC you wanted me to watch I was busy being a nerd.

I think maybe an alien is eating through my cerebral cortex, Wrath of Khan style.

naDevvo' peghoS

2003-12-07T01:23:00.000-05:00

Where to begin?

Well how about some Thanksgiving photos that are fashionably late?

No? Fuck you. Here.

This is what a turkey fryer looks like when it is in about a hojillion pieces. The ever inane directions instructed us to tie our dicks with some of the parts, and then attempt to chase and kill a live turkey for later consumption. I think maybe they were wrong, maybe somebody mistranslated the directions, because the last step was to put the fryer at the bottom of a very large cliff and jump on it, impaling your innards at around 500 degrees fahrenheit. Voila, fried turkey.

Actually that is some hyperbole there but really they might as well have said that, I think it would have been more useful to set the directions on fire when they were like, you know, in my pants. Honestly we referred to that thing like twice and got it put together pretty quickly, which is not as wholly satisfying an experience as I had hoped. So instead I went into the basement and hooked up my videogames because that is what I do.

Sometimes I also play with knives which I actually did more with this guy than I actually played videogames that day. Please ignore the fact that we are both making goober faces in those pictures I am very sorry it won't happen again.

My doggie is awesome but was sadly penned outside for most of that day with this doggie named "Girl" that jumped so much and so high that I think she is actually a ninja pretending to be a dog to infiltrate that particular household.

Did I tell you what my local BFF Amy got me? She went to Boston and everything and brought me back a delicious bagel as well as this. Wait, hang on, I think you missed it. Hold up, I have a better one. Yeah. You see that? Yeah. It's a fucking lobsterpop. From Boston. It says Boston on it and it is a lobster and a lollipop. That is Awesome.

Truly, this gift is too great to be consumed, I think maybe I will just keep it and let it be my Amy reminder, much like the jar of air that she gave my buddy JJ when he left for Japan by will of the Air Force. I think it is safe to say that JJ is the only man in Japan with air from North Carolina in his room, or at least in Okinawa. Me, I'll have a lobsterpop from Boston. BOSTON. Do you have a lobsterpop from Boston? No, fuck you. I mean Kerry and Liz could go and get one in a little daytrip, sure, and maybe we will have to do that when I visit them in just a little under 2 weeks. It's going to be so awesome.

So then there is this guy. He takes some explaining. See that is my buddy Paul, we hung out during high school, but those golden years are over, and now he goes to a college that is something like 2 hours away, and when you have as little transportation as I do, which is to say none, then that might as well be a bazillion miles multiplied by the number of times babies shit their diapers in Montana last Tuesday divided by some number that makes it even HUGER which is weird because dividing usually makes things smaller, at least that's how it worked in 4th grade. Fuck long division, Mrs. Sawyer, fuck that shit in the ear.

So Paul called me up from HIS work that he comes back to one weekend a month, and he called me at MY work, which I'm sure took the detective skills of a fox. We've been meaning to play pool, so we did just that. After we both got off work, around midnight, we went to check on my dad who was playing a gig at a nearby sports bar. The foghat at the door wouldn't let us in since we aren't 21, I guess they are lazy and do not want to stamp people's hands or something, but eventually they managed to find my dad for me and it was cleared that Paul would be hanging at my house for the night.

We went, we played pool, I sucked more ass than I thought humanly possible. I mean I was like a quantum singularity whose particular gravitational polarity was aligned solely with the fecies of all known species, drawing these baby mice unto me in a sucking whirling vortex of billiards doom. I missed a couple straight shots right into the corner, what the fuck is that about. I think maybe I am broken, I need repairs, something. Coincidentally, I blame the house stick and I should have brought my own.

Afterwards it was revealed to me that Paul has been having lady troubles as of late, not like my lady troubles where there aren't any, ladies I mean, more like a certain lady in particular is causing him distress. No details obviously, his problems do not concern you, Mighty Internet™. But since lately I seem to be the advice guy, as in everybody (sup hyperbole) has been asking me for advice lately, especially about relationship type stuff it seems. I think I give pretty logical advice, and people seem to agree with it, I gave him some advice. He agreed mostly with what I said, and I hope things work out well for him in his future lady endeavors. So I guess I'll keep doing the advice thing, at least for a little while. By way of grammatical non-sequitur, I should have typed "I guess I'll keep doing it COMMA at least for a little while." See really I can write very good if I wanted to. Look right there, I switched from present to past tense like some kind of time ninja.

So now we come to the goofy smile, the magic cards, and the Smirnoff Ice Triple Black. We played magic to while the night away and drank Paul's silly fru fru drink as a toast to his womenz problems. I'm not a drinker, this is established, but he wanted me to try and and I figure one fru fru drink is not going to kill me. Honestly I wasn't expecting much and I got even less, but it tasted oddly like Pepsi Blue to me. We later played some fighting games and eventually went to bed around 6am.

I got to get up at 8:40 because Pizza Hut was having a meeting for all employees and my dad is some kind of strange being that fucking thinks I shouldn't be able to sleep through it goddamn I am tired.

Later I went to Paul's house to troubleshoot some very old computers he has and his house's local area network. No one in his family is terribly computer literate or web savvy, as is evidenced by this mind boggling ad-aware scan result. I like to think that particular computer is running much better now, and I got their home network partially functional, I am not crazy funky literate on the DSL configuration of a home router. His family appreciated it though, and hopefully after some internet ninja style research I can head back over there and fix their shit up proper for them, for which I will charge a fee of a six pack of root beer and a pizza.

I think that's fair.

2003-12-04T14:12:00.000-05:00

I post this in response to Kerry's update for December 3rd, 2003.

I think the falsehoods, at least the slight ones, the ones we make of ourselves on purpose, but not consciously, as has been suggested, are actually more of an artifact of the inefficiency of spoken and written language than anything else.

Words only have meaning because we learn their concepts as we grow older, and while words can hold multiple meanings and you can form new ideas by using those concepts in metaphor, ultimately you are confined to saying that that Apple over there is Red, or maybe it's Really Red, or Bright Red. You can combine these otherwise abstract concepts and get the concept of "Apple," but that's it.

Where language falls flat is when I think of an apple, I think of the morning. I think of fall. I think of dim sunshine filtering through rust colored leaves on an old tree. THAT'S the sensation I think of when I think of a red apple, but you can't put that into words every time you want to mention an apple.

Oranges, while also good, are totally different. It may be cliche, but it's true. Oranges make me think of bright sunshine at dusk, since that's what color the sky turns, which makes everything else look orange. It also makes me think of Starburst candy because the strongest flavor is orange, and maybe monarch butterflies. When I think of an orange I don't just think of an orange, all those concepts are there in the background, associated with it, tied to the meaning of the word.

So we have fruit covered. But what's important is that these tiny metaphors that our brains make in the hundreds for every concept we have are different for everybody. When somebody says "Oh I know this guy Brian" I think of my concept of the name of Brian, all the Brians I have known. I have an idea of what a Brian is like because of my experiences with those guys named Brian who you have probably never met, you think of a totally different set of metaphors when you think of Brian.

Of course even the metaphors have metaphors, when I think of Brian I think of this really obese kid in high school that liked Rap more than most people should and dropped out of school to work at Food Lion full time. I think of my buddy Brian who is in Army Bootcamp now, who is really good at chess and taught me to play Magic the Gathering and doesn't like ice cream. I think of Brian from Family Guy who is probably the funniest animated talking dog I have ever seen. Then, not consciously, all these thoughts tie together in a flash, they're just there, in the background in case you need them, ready to tie into the conversation should it shift towards them, then Rap becomes Run DMC/Tupac/Beastie Boys becomes MTV becomes I don't like MTV becomes I don't like mainstream music becomes What channel is MTV even on? becomes I used to watch MTV a lot becomes I used to watch Daria right after Swat Kats becomes Cartoon Network should show more Swat Kats.

I don't actually think all this it's just a line of thinking that could happen in an instant because somebody chose a set of words whose concepts brought about those metaphors for other concepts. I'm sure everybody's been talking about something, or thinking about something while they pretended to listen to somebody else, and then started talking from the middle of their train of thought, completely losing anyone else that was paying attention. It's hard to give an example for that one, I leave it up to everyone to figure out a time they've done that. The only thing I can think of off the top of my head is once when I was very young I beat the giant Mouser boss in the Ninja Turtles NES game and called up my neighbor to proclaim "I BEAT HIM I BEAT HIM" like he should know who I was talking about when in fact he didn't even know what game I was playing or if I was playing a game or if I was just nuts.

Anyway, language is a brilliant invention, you can invent all these beautiful ideas with it, but ultimately it is flawed and it allows for us to fabricate different ideas about ourselves than how we really are. And it sort of limits your ideas about other people since you can't know what they think of when you are talking about apples and oranges, and even if they tell you, it would take all day to explain the connections and THEIR connections and at the end you wouldn't know anything about that person really except what they think about some fruit.

The internet complicates matters of course, a normally unwitty fellow could seem quite eloquent and on the ball with the response window typed conversations leave open. There is no limit to the fallacies created with language, especially with written word compounding the inefficiency verbal language already exudes.

Plus I guess I am not really a big fan of telling the internet that I wet my bed until I was like 8 and that I had a bad stutter in second grade. You don't need to know that, go away now.

Still totally kidding about that post down there. Suicide is for chumps. Plus my life is pretty cool.

2003-12-03T02:36:00.000-05:00

Listen Up Dumbfucks:

Most people kill themselves because of a mental condition. This is true in my case too. The condition I suffer from is that I am not normal, I am not like every "sane" person in the world.

I am not normal in the sense that I am not like every other one of you brain-dead zombies. I can think. I can reason intelligently. I can observe and learn from life. I can make my own decisions and follow through on them. And I can do these without any aid from celebrities, T.V. or radio. Unfortunately, every one of you shit-brained lemmings in the world seem to lack these skills and I can't fucking take it any more.

Since everyone else in this world is a fucking retarded drone who revels in their ignorance and unintelligence, I must put an end to my misery. I truly wish I was normal. I wish I could be a fucking retarded drone whore like all of you. I wish I could have the same conversations day in and day out about sports, politics, or "how about that weather, huh?" But I cant. Sure you'll see this note and say Robbie Rob's the crazy one. You have to it's the only way you can go on thinking you're sane and your pathetic life is meaningful. Go ahead, call me the weirdo like everyone else surely will. Then return to your happiness of everyday mindless monotony.

My only wish is that the bullet I put into my brain doesn't kill me but only leaves me brain dead. For if ignorance is bliss and everyone of you fuck-for-brains is truly happy, then living a life without a brain stem in a coma must surely be utopia.

Leave my machine plugged in you fucking retards,

Robbie Rob

P.S. All those gay pornos aren't mine. They're a friend's. And I was superimposed.

2003-12-03T02:35:00.000-05:00

^^^^^^I was just kiddin.^^^^^^

You can write your own suicide note too if you want. I think you should, and then post it into that bouncing 3D Windows screensaver so when you leave to take a crap at work all your coworkers will freak out and try to save you but really they will just break into the bathroom and smell poop.

RANDOM NINJA TIME™ IS NOW:

Christmas is coming up, I'm pretty excited. Are you excited? I'm excited. I always tell myself there's no reason to be excited, you're too old to be excited about getting stuff, but man, fuck that noise. Everybody, young or old, is excited about getting new stuff. I mean for a while there I didn't really know what I wanted, but if I am suddenly able to drive my Dad's truck around or I get one (or two!) o' them fancy practice balisongs or something REALLY awesome like a pool table or maybe even just a really good pool stick/set of practice cue balls any of that would be really cool. Of course I would still need videogames. And maybe some books.

I'm also really excited about visiting my sisters up in The Prov, courtesy of Massy's nigga, Rhodey. We can hang out and do stuff and that sounds pretty good to me.

Last night I had a dream about getting married, it was really long and had some weird parts like where this guy made my head explode but after I pulled myself back together, for which my bride and her family waited patiently, I jumped that fucker at the wedding with my butterfly knife but good. But anyway the dream was all about me marrying somebody, somebody who I thought was pretty cool and thought I was pretty cool, and when I woke up and realized it was a dream I was honestly pretty disappointed that I wasn't actually getting married. Dreams do that I guess, power of suggestion and all that, but right in that moment I understood why you might want to marry somebody, even though I guess I've never been in love. Shit maybe I didn't understand, it was just weird is all. Tonight I will probably dream about cars and when I wake up I will want a very fast one with Type-R stickers, a super spoiler, and a NOS system like the 1/4 rice boi that I am.

I have this new RPG for my Playstation 2, it's called Disgaea and the premise is that your father, the King of the Netherworld, was killed and you took a nap for 2 years for some reason. So now lots of demons are vying for control of the Netherworld and it's up to you to claim your rightful place as the King of Hell or something by slaughtering a bunch of really fucking powerful badguys, turn-based RPG combat style. The choices you can make in every aspect are incredibly deep, it's like some beautiful marriage of anime humor that is actually funny with statistics enough to make my stats freak buddy Joe cream his pants. If I wanted to I could spend quite a while on this game, hundreds of hours, and I might eventually do just that.

For the time being though enough games are swimming in my eyelids as I dream at night that I think I will just have to alot it certain days where I play a marathon session, because I have these other things I need to do like learn to kick people in the face with a ninja or shoot some zombies or drive a car that shoots missiles, and drive it really, really fast.

My hobby fucking kicks ass.

2003-12-01T13:14:00.000-05:00

Oh woe is me, Thanksgiving was lame
Without Mac and Cheese it just isn't the same
No cool whip pie mixed with Jello pudding
The watery gravy made the evening brooding

The fried turkey was good, but not much else
The food would be better served to that Oliver Twist whelp
The adults sat and drank and talked their bullshit
I pretended to enjoy their company as if under some whip

But really I was happy to get the fuck out of there
And go hang with young Sean who had frosted his hair
We spun butterfly knives with wondrous dexterity
I learned some new moves with newfound clarity

We hung with his friend Kevin outside on the street
And later set up a pool table Drew Carey style, quite neat
We played pool on his driveway on that old busted table
But as light was lost we had to return to the stable

The adults were back at the house drinking towards much waste
I think their plan from the start was to get drunk, post haste
I detested their company, their inane political discussion
After watching X2, we retreated to the basement to avoid all the cussin'

I had some videogames there, but instead we played Magic
The Gathering, a card game about which Sean's knowledge was tragic
ly lacking, and so I taught him to play it quite quickly
He defeated me often, my cards resolve seemed to be sickly

All in all I'd rather have been up north with my sisters
Spending Thanksgiving with them instead of in a basement, wishing
That there had been pie and macaroni and cheese
So lame was Thanksgiving this year, I'm not even THAT hard to please

About the squirrel pics, sorry, didn't turn out very well, you can't even see him really.

So Thanksgiving this year was a bust. Big deal. But also the girl I had asked to the Nutcracker ballet has not even called me and she didn't even show up for work this weekend so now I think she's probably fired, and I guess I won't see her again to talk about it. Well, I guess it's her loss, I think it would have been pretty awesome to go to that thing, and I still think she should give me a call because I can be a pretty cool guy sometimes and I'd like to see if I can manage it on a date.

My other BFF Amy, Joe's girl, got back from Boston today. She went up north for Thanksgiving to see a lot of family she normally doesn't see. She has one side of the family being very, very Jewish, and another side that seems pretty Irish. Either way there was a lot of drinking and shopping and I hear it's pretty cold up there too, so Amy had good reason to sport them winter clothes we all went shopping for last week. She's going over to Joe's later so they can be together, hang out, have some alone time. I tell you I am very jealous of what they have going on for them, I think it's a damn shame Joey won't be able to get her that diamond ring she wants so much for Christmas. They might be coming over here later too to see what's going on with me, which is probably about as interesting as watching bread mold over.

Kerry seems upset that I did not have pie on Thanksgiving, and also upset that it was not mentioned that her pie was missed. She threatened to not even make a pie for Christmas, but I told her if she made a pie that I would do a blog post entirely about the pie with pictures and a poem. So be on the lookout for that, if you really want to see it make sure you make lots of comments about her Thanksgiving pie.

Meanwhile there are some videogames I very desparately need to play. This Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic thing should be self explanatory obsession for a space nerd like me. Then have you heard about this game where the whole point is where you sneak up on people and murder them in horrible ways? I think that sounds awesome, it's going to be coming in the mail very soon thanks to my Gamefly subscription. Of course I might like to own it, to have a game where you brutally murder people to release stress on those off days.

Also, it's times like these that I really wish I had an Xbox instead of a Gamecube. Sigh.

I think maybe I will order a pizza now.

Have I mentioned that I can do this?

2003-11-26T16:07:00.000-05:00

Oh shi

So earlier today a squirrel fell down our chinmey. We have this large tree next to the side of our house the chimney is on you see, so squirrels somehow periodically fall down it. They don't hurt themselves, they're just sort of like WTF and sit in a very dusty, dark place scratching around until my dad hears it. Since he lives downstairs in that room he's usually the first to find whatever animal has fallen down there most recently.

Anyway getting squirrels out of the fireplace has become something of a regular occurance, but it's always a bitch. Recently I discovered that if you can get one covered with a towel or a blanket or something it usually immobilizes them and you can just carry them outside and set them loose.

Not so with today's squirrel. He was fairly large, and quite speedy. Squirrels usually are. Anyway we had a blanket trap all set up but before I could close it he climbed the blanket and jumped behind my dad's futon. He proceeded to scurry around the room, knocking shit over, freaking the fuck out, meanwhile my dog is going OMFG WTF IS THAT IT'S AWESOME I WANT ONE.

The squirrel was going in circles between the three of us and at some point sailed through the air to gracefully tackle my dad's Macintosh G4 laptop. I guess he was trying to climb up it and onto the wall but since those screens are kind of slick instead his feet went nowhere and he went WHUMP. He was not fazed, however, and continued to fly around the room like a small furry tornado. Eventually we just opened up the back door and blocked off all other exits. He poked his head out and saw the back door like OMFG WHEEE and bolted. My doggie chased him limply, the squirrel breaking the sound barrier as he headed home. Other squirrels started freaking the fuck out, I guess they were like "Holy Shit we thought you were a goner!"

I'll post pictures of the little guy in the fireplace later, I didn't get any action photos though. Just imagine a room full of books and random electronic equipment falling over randomly to the Benny Hill theme and you'll get an idea of how fucking crazy that was.

2003-11-26T02:52:00.000-05:00

So I asked this girl I work with to go to the Nutcracker ballet they put on down here every year. She said she'd go, but she wanted to make it clear it was a fully platonic thing. That's cool, I wasn't expecting a ballet thing to get me laid. Hopefully it will go well and she will deem me worthy of hanging out with anyway.

I've been listening to the Beck album Midnite Vultures, which I haven't done since the first and last time I heard it years ago on a road trip to Florida with the sister units. I forgot what an incredible album it is, it's freaking fantastic.

I've got a wish list up over at Amazon. I guess everybody does. Really the prices for some of the stuff there aren't that great, I could find a lot of those games for 10 or 20 bux cheaper, but whatever. It's a nice convenient place to have all the crap everyone should be buying me for Christmas because I'm awesome.

I'd really like a pool table this Christmas, to practice my most recently aquired hobby. Or maybe have my dad pay insurance on the truck so I have something to drive around instead of begging other people to take me places. Or I guess I would just really like a shitload of videogames and DVDs that are awesome, since I got like 1 game last year. I mean some snazzy clothes and some cool books are fine and all, but when I'm a pretty avid gamer and I only get 1 game for Christmas, something is wrong. I know parents love to not get you the thing you ask for the most, they want to surprise you, so instead of that new CD player they get you a car or instead of that 160 dollar jacket at the mall they get you the CD player, whichever is the thing they know you want but not the thing you want the most.

I just think parents sort of miss the point here, at least in their children's minds. Surprises are nice, but when you really really want something and an excuse to get it like Christmas comes along and you get all excited about finally maybe having that thing you really want, and then you get something else...well, the surprise factor sort of fizzles.

Now I wonder if any of you out there are thinking, "he's missing the point of Christmas! It's about giving, and sharing, and being with family!" Well, yes, it is all about those things, but after those things are over and I'm playing with my presents I think maybe I would like them to beep and boop more than I would like them to keep me warm in a very ugly fashion during the wintertime.

I know buying videogames can be sort of intimidating for a gamer, because what if you buy something crappy? A game they don't like, one they already have, or the same game somebody else gets them? Well, now I have a list. Have at it, family and friend-type fiends.

That ps2 network adapter looks mighty cool, I could reach out and smack someone from across the almighty interweb without having to use my PC!

I don't think people who don't share my hobby really understand how exciting and cool that can be. When you can break your virtual foot off in somebody's ass, and gloat about it, "Oh man you suck you just fucking ate that rocket, haha," not only are you a huge dick, you're a huge dick that feels pretty good about being a huge dick. The anonymity factor there just turns you into some sort of supreme asshole with the sole intent of letting everyone know you're kicking ass when you are, in fact, kicking ass. Of course it works the other way too, you get the whiners, the guys that make excuses for losing, every time you kill them it was luck, every time they kill you it was pure skill. And they'll gloat about killing you for hours on end, OH MAN I GOT YOU SO GOOD, even though your kill ratio is about 5 times better than theirs.

In closing I offer this screenshot and also this one. That first one is the game logging the fact that I killed 9 guys in about 5 seconds with dual berettas, not exactly the strongest weapons in that game. Note that I killed one fellow 3 times in that time period, I'm sure he was quite pissed. The second screenshot is showing how badly I won that match when it ended, and a bit of grammatically herniated gloating.

In case you're confused about all the white space, the game is basically a rip-off of everything that makes The Matrix look cool, and so it's supposed to be the white background of the construct program, the battleground mainly being a large replica dojo of the one in the first film.

Random Shoryuken Time™:

End.

2003-11-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

This is my blog, there are many like it but this one is mine!

You are not your hitcount, you are not your comments section, you are not your fucking latest blog entry.

Sorry I've been watching movies again. This is just a quick update to tell all of you reading my blog right now to wish me luck for the next couple of hours because I think I will probably need it. Details at 11.

2003-11-19T15:02:00.000-05:00

So Amy got her belly button repierced yesterday. She had gotten it pierced before, but it was at some shitbrained asshole's tattoo shop that she thinks had "barn" in the name, she doesn't really remember too well she was kind of drunk. But she had a scar there on her belly button from where it had been pierced before, but due to some complications like metal allergy she had to take the piercing out. If you would like to witness the act in 1.5 megapixel glory, you may check out my pictures. I think the new pierce job looks pretty good, and she seems pleased with it. Mission accomplished.

I feel like more information about myself is required for this blog to work. I mean I guess that's what a blog is all about, maybe some people use it to track daily events, describe weird or interesting things that happen to them, but in the end you're telling the internet about yourself. You're giving total strangers an idea of what it is like to be you. I think a great way to know about somebody is to know their favorite movies. It's like John Cusack said in High Fidelity, what your favorite music is, what TV shows you like, these things are important. So I present my Top 10 list of all time favorite movies. Movies that are personally meaningful to me. I don't really mean "I was watching this movie when I got my first kiss" meaningful, I mean they are great movies and so after I watched them I was just like "wow." These movies moved me in some way. They helped shape the way I think. What I think is funny, what I think is romantic, what I think is bad ass, these movies are responsible for those ideas in no small part. This is not in any order from best to worst, I'm not even going to number them. It's an apples and oranges thing, I can't say an action movie was better than a romantic comedy there, really.

Fight Club
I went to see Fight Club in the theater when I was 17. It was kind of a big deal cause in NC you can't see R rated films till you're 18 and I was sort of sneaking in cause somebody else bought the tickets. Anyway I went to see it with this really awesome girl named Adrian who had a similar sense of humor to mine but turned out to be not romantically interested in me at all. Awkward high school moment #463.

Fight Club was hilarious. I was lollin that whole movie. Me being a huge fan of the Dust/Chemical brothers who did the ENTIRE soundtrack (except for that totally boss Pixies song at the end) helped. The movie was so funny, brilliantly acted, and had a terrific mindfuck 3/4 of the way through. It's a movie that you watch for the 2nd time and it's completely different that time around, but it was fantastic both times anyway. I still pick up on little subtle things the characters say or do during scenes that makes the movie more interesting.

Yes, maybe the movie is a little juvenile, violence solves your problems, down with capitalism, down with the free world who are not free they have made their own prisons out of designer clothing. But it's an interesting idea nonetheless, though extreme. You don't have to agree with it to like it. And I really like movies with a romance between two people who are fucked up. I don't mean fucked up like "I don't like to commit" fucked up, I mean "I think it's funny when people die" fucked up.

Anyway, this movie was very entertaining for me, and gave me some new views on getting hit in the face, and is probably responsible for the fistfight with my friend Brandon a year or two later in my front yard. He wanted me to smoke a cigarette because I had never done it before, I said "why don't we just have a fistfight, I've never done that before" so we did that instead. To this day I have two scars above my right eye from the best punch I've ever received, and I've never smoked.

Aliens
I first saw Aliens when I was like 7 or something. It scared the everliving motherfucking shit out of me. The terror, the suspense, the hardcore fucking awesome action. The movie terrified me, but I thought it was great. It was my first R rated film, I think. Maybe Terminator 2 in the theater was, I can't remember which was first, since I saw Aliens on VHS at home. Anyway it's a great movie, one of the best action OR sci fi movies ever. The special effects still hold up, and the characters are still really interesting. I find the Vietnam personas the marines were given amusing and well done. Lance Henriksen, Micheal Biehn, and Bill Paxton remain some of my favorite actors in the industry today.

Full Metal Jacket
I was rather young when I saw this movie too, so the shock factor of R. Lee Ermey yelling those horrible insults at those men was there for me. I wondered why anyone would do that to themselves, why anyone would allow him to say such nasty things, why you would want to do so many pushups every day. I never thought I would join the military after watching this movie. Nowadays I see it and I understand how hard it would be still, but I think I am tough enough to handle it. The raw language, the gritty violence, the well documented feeling of Vietnam were all there. Kubrick was a genius. A vocational teacher I had in high school said the landscapes seemed inaccurate to him, since he was there and everything, but I'll let that slide.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day
I fucking cried at the end of this movie. I know I'm not the only one either. This really is the pinnacle of this movie series, with great characters, including one of the greatest villains ever. The entire time you really do wonder how they can defeat Robert Patrick, he's fucking liquid, you can't hit water with a bat and kick its ass. He was an evil robot and all but he had just enough personality to make him seem really devious, you were really afraid of him. And the bonding between the young John and the T-101 seemed real, which is why the ending was so sad for me. Another one of the best action/sci fi movies ever, it oozes style at every corner.

Pulp Fiction
I was pretty young when I saw the trailers for this movie and I thought it looked dumb. It was getting all sorts of rave reviews, but it just didn't look interesting to me. Years later I saw it. The dialogue, the gritty subculture depicted, the intertwining and chronologically out of order storylines were all great intellectual motivators. It is an all around interesting movie, with some great dialogue, and the sort of violence you just don't see in movies all that often. It made me a Tarintino fanboy. I love Kill Bill and Reservoir Dogs and From Dusk Till Dawn and True Romance and Four Rooms and all that shit, but this movie is what turned me to the dark side. It is still probably his best work.

Army of Darkness
I am such a fucking Army of Darkness fanboy. I have seen most versions of this movie, I have to say I like the ending with the fight in the S-Mart the best, and Bruce Campbell is the fucking man. I'm not a huge fan of all of Raimi's work, I'm not much for the Hercules and Xena, but between AoD and Spiderman, the man qualifies as a genius. The bad ass main character, the great one liners, and the ridiculous b-movie-on-purpose story add up to a fantastic movie. Evil Dead 2 is also great, but with the exception of the hand sequence, does not have quite the amount of "teh funnay" as Army of Darkness. This movie is a classic people and if you haven't seen it you will burn in hell for that one reason alone.

Fist of Legend
I am also a Jet Li fanboy. I really like kung fu and samurai movies (not the same thing), and Jet Li is my clear favorite in modern Kung Fu movies. I do not like the super kung fu, the movies where they jump in the air 15 feet routinely and sort of fly around sideways on some wires. Wirework is ok, but its uses should be subtle. Fist of Legend is a fucking exemplary example of this. Every movement in the movie is possible, with 1 or 2 exceptions, it's simply the falls and such that are exaggerated with wires. Otherwise it's on the ground, kung fu action, and Jet Li is so fucking bad ass I cannot stand it.

The man is like an army of ninja awesomeness all by himself. He beats up rooms full of people, fights Karate masters 1 on 1, and even bones a hot Japanese girl. The way the fights in this movie are built up is fantastic, each major character gets his bad-assedness played up for a while before Jet finally smacks them down. Also the fight choreography is done by Yuen Wo Ping, clearly a genius, who also does all the Matrix fights and has done other excellent kung fu films such as Iron Monkey. If you have even a passing interest in martial arts flicks, this is the one to own, it's very light on the cheese if that sort of thing turns you off.

The Matrix
Yet another prime action/sci fi movie that will live on through the ages. It is my generation's Star Wars. I love all three movies, I know the last 2 have gotten a lot of flak. I think Reloaded has some of the best action ever recorded on film, and Revolutions, while different from my expectations, was still interesting and a worthy conclusion to the series.

I think we all wish we were secretly, so secret that not even we knew it, somebody else. Somebody bad ass. Somebody who is a goddamned ninja and kicks bad guys in the face. This movie is for that urge, which I suppose had an especially strong hold on me when I saw it. Watching this movie just gives you a bad ass feeling, much like Fist of Legend. Hopefully the haters will die down a bit, stop spouting their hate for something that is popular and mainstream that does not adhere to the mechanics that most popular and mainstream movies attempt to.

Look at the new Star Wars films, they're trying to be everybody's favorite, upbeat, over the top sci fi action film and fuckers hate them. I think they're pretty Ok myself, but yeah, I suppose they don't really do the original 3 films justice. Having said that, I don't think the original 3 films are as great as many fanboys would have the world believe, but I still think they're fantastic and will own them on DVD WHENEVER THE FUCK GEORGE GODDAMN LUCAS FEELS LIKE RELEASING THEM BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING IDIOT.

Princess Mononoke
I do enjoy the anime. I'm not an anime fanboy of any sort, I think Dragonball Z is ridiculous, though I have watched a fair bit of it and think it has some interesting concepts, overall I think it's an insult to young boys with power fantasies and the original Dragonball is a much more fun series. Cowboy Bebop and Outlaw Star are two of the best television series ever made I think, let alone anime series.

Princess Mononoke though combined some really great animation with a powerful story, full of mystical ideas I had not heard of before. The voice talent for both languages was fucking amazing, and I really felt something tugging on the ole heartstrings watching this movie. The main character is fucked, it's bad, he has to leave home. He's going to die horribly, nothing he can do to stop it. But he doesn't care, he helps people because he can, and in the meantime there's a nice little love story there too with a confused girl that hates humans but loves him. It's cute.

Donnie Darko/Punch Drunk Love/Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
I couldn't decide on a final movie to fit in the 10th slot. Donnie Darko and Punch Drunk Love are both great stories that involve some fucked up people falling in love. Donnie Darko isn't really a love story though, and it gets pretty weird at the end, but it's still great. Punch Drunk Love just makes you feel good after you watch it, it's such a great story.

And the Crouching Tiger biz has some really excellent kung fu, I love the way it's timed with the music, and then there's the love stories there that make you feel like something important happened admist all that kung fu flyin and fightin. I know I said I don't like flying kung fu, but this movie is a big exception, I feel like it's done very well here.

2003-11-18T13:05:00.000-05:00

So my BFF's day is sounding kind of poopy, so here's another steaming pile of banal crap a literary retard wrote. What I mean to say is that I think it may be in the running as my best work ever:

An Ode to Kat's Stomach Cramp

Oh Kat the Mighty, Kat the Fierce
Oh Kat who posseses great knowledge of all things pierced
Kat whose tummy summoned a crampy
To make her workday even moreso flampy

When Miss Fez gets a cramp the whole world should stop
They should look at her and inquire "Hey, what's up?
What can we do to make you feel better?"
To which Kat would say "Give me an island. And maybe some Cheddar."

"Cheese, you say? Coming right up.
Your own country will be ready soon too, buttercup."
The world must know, take great notice and pains
To see McMick's discomfort as their number one bane.

But alas, Kat the Mighty, Kat the quite Fierce
Sits in an office away from the man she would rear
Children, quite a few, and weather them through blizzards
For that man whose babies she'd make is Eddie Izzard.

For all intensive purposes, irregardless, could care less,
These are words around Kat you should dare not to stress.
For maybe she will write you a note with a nasty language flood
Using as ink, from your severed head, a pint of your own blood.

2003-11-18T02:34:00.000-05:00

Doggie!

So I went and hung out with my best buddy Joe, who may one day destroy the earth, I don't know, I hear there's a line maybe even a running for a vote on that sort of thing, I know my nig McMick has plans, and his girl Amy.

Amy felt like she needed to go shopping at an outlet mall, one that was pretty far away. She was dragging her boyfriend along for the ride and I felt like that would be hell on earth, so I offered to join them so me and Joe could at least shoot the shit while she looked at some clothes. Also I happen to have some interest in attempting to have taste in clothing, at least for other people, so when consulted for opinions I like to give accurate, factually based analyses on why that shirt is fugly on you, get the purple one instead, oh and try these pants they go together pretty good.

There was a discount bookstore down there, and I gots me some new books. The science fiction encyclopedia should be obvious, because I'm a fucking geek. The classics type books are just shit I wish I'd read in middle/high school, I've actually read the first half of both 20,000 Leagues and Moby Dick. Maybe instead of reading them all the way through I should just put both halves of the nautical tales together and call it a day.

Dracula should be fucking obvious, it is awesome, vampires are cool, but no they are not real get over your fake teeth and fake british accent you fucking weird "I'm a vampyre I drink blood for realz" people. And Edgar Allan Poe, well...some days it rains, and you just don't want to do anything. Poe is for those days. Then some new Orson Scott Card, well, new to ME anyway, because I think he's a fantastic author and if you haven't read Ender's Game you are some kind of alien and there will be fucking murders. Do you understand? You read Ender's Game or you get the claws, bitch.

I guess I also bought a shirt from the Gap, which makes me some kind of horrible human being but it's actually quite a nice little shirt I can wear on Thanksgiving and people won't beat me with canes like usual. Well maybe not as much. Amy bought quite a few clothes, including 10, count them, 10 pairs of thong panties. They were on sale. I'm sure they will be a nice addition to the sparkling pink thong panties she was wearing today that she decided to show the world by not zipping up her jeans after a hastily exited and disappointing fitting room session.

But Amy bought some clothes, she needs them to stay warm on her imminent trip up to Boston, where I hear it gets cold like nobody's business but Santa's on occasion. Speaking of heading North, my dad is planning on a road trip up to Providence, heretofore known as The Prov, up in Rhodey. I'll visit the sister units and challenge The Megan to Magic The Gathering. Then they're going to come down here for Christmas and that will be mighty cool.

I wish I knew what I wanted for Christmas, I mean a car to drive around would be nice but I don't think that will happen. I'm trying to think of something simpler that isn't really stupid and shallow but it's hard. I'm having more fun actually shopping around stores looking for gifts that do not seem to have any purpose but to have meaning for my particular connection with a person, like the Soul Calibur 2 samurai action figure I got for my buddy Paul, or the totally sweet and nonsensical gift I picked up for my sisters already that I can't talk about since they read this thing. It's too small though, I have to get them an additional something awesome, so I have to cut back on the Zatoichi DVD's for a while.

Random OMFG I'm Sexy Time™ is NOW:

Or not. Ok maybe that wasn't the best random thing ever, I mean it's hard to top Random Cthulhu Time™.

Well there's always Random Cthulhu Sex Time™ which discombobulates my train of thought entirely.

TEH EAND.

2003-11-17T01:21:00.000-05:00

<3 my Zepp.

So I'm in training to join the Navy now, I took their silly ASVAB and got a 98. I blame the fact that I did not get a 99 on lack of breakfast and underpants gnome conspiracy. Anyhow they all think I am a smart motherfucker now and so are telling me about being a Cryptographer and stuff. No thank you I do not want to crunch numbers all day. But they also told me about Nuclear Engineering way back when, and it's still looking like that's very much an option, and my sisters have told me it would be cool to say "my brother is a Nuclear Engineer" and so I told them I would think about maybe being one.

But first I need to get in some kind of shape. So now I'm running, I try to run a mile every day, a mile and a half if I feel like it. I don't go to a gym or anything, I just run in my neighborhood, which has many, many uphill sections. I'm also lifting some weights, which I used to do a lot more often because I wanted omgsostrong muscles, but for now I'm concentrating on the running thing. I tell you it's hard. It was much easier when I was running with a buddy, but he's off in Army boot camp now, so it's just me. Very hard to get motivated. But I think maybe I found some.

Now I'm beginning to run the risk of sounding like some kind of dog fanatic, when in fact I just appreciate friendly doggies very much. I am in actuality, if you will recall, a ninja fanatic. But there's this doggie, kind of small, very furry, appears to be a completely outdoors kind of pup. He goes between these 3 houses at will, I'm not sure which one he actually lives at. He's just always sleeping on one of 3 driveways.

I planned my running route to avoid dogs actually, some people have dogs that will bark at you and chase you and do things that make running less pleasant. But this doggie barks and chases for only about 10 feet, then he just stops. So one day I crouched down and called to him, and he jaunted happily over and received some petting. Then I continued on and he went back and slept in the grass a bit more. So now every day when he sees me running by he knows he's going to get some loving and proffers his tummy for maximum pettage.

Some days I don't go running. It's hard to do it everyday. I didn't do it yesterday even. But I like to think that maybe that me coming by and paying some attention to him is Charlie's favorite part of the day. I don't know if his name is actually Charlie, I've never seen or met the people who own him, as I don't even know which house he belongs to out of the 3. But I figured I can't just go on calling him "doggie" or "buddy," he needs a name. So Charlie seems to fit.

Anyway I think that when I don't go running, Charlie sits up suddenly at the end of the day and goes "OMFG! WTF! WHERE IS HE?" and gets all sad. So I try to go running every day to keep Charlie happy.

This line of thinking was probably heavily influenced by the episode of Futurama the other day where Fry finds his fossilized dog and then you find out at the end of the episode his dog waited for him for 12 years outside that pizza shop. That gave me the sniffles.

Here is Kathleen the plant version after getting pounded by a particularly heavy downpour I had to save her from. As you can see though she is quite colorful and healthy, with some strong vines hanging out of the pot. Girl shows too much leaf for her age if you ask me.

No I don't play videogames, why do you ask? These are all the games I'm trying to balance time between at the moment. I've beaten that Prince of Persia redux game already and though it was kind of short I guess, I only blew through it so fast because it's goddamned fantastic. I cannot explain why the simple act of running on walls, doing flips off flagpoles, and bouncing between walls was so fun. It should have been tedium, what with scurrying all over the place just trying to figure out how to get from point A to point B. But it was fantastic, every second of it, and the combat looks like a ninja choreographed it himself.

You may notice nearly half those games are fighting games. Haha. Soul Calibur 2 is interesting, but I don't have quite the fire in me to play it as I did the first game, though it surely is one of the best fighting games ever made. I'm trying to translate my skills to the sequel. My man Kilik is still beasty though (staff users reprazent). Yes, he is fighting Link from Legend of Zelda fame. Also there are some boobies to be oogled.

Tekken Tag I am just trying to keep my skills up to date on. Virtua Fighter 4 I am still learning diligently on but am getting much better. Guilty Gear X2, a two dimensional feast for the eyes, is as technical a fighter and hence as difficult to be good at as Virtua Fighter 4, only you need totally different skills and strategies.

A buddy came over and we fought and I prevailed often enough to be pleased with my performance, but it only instilled a thirst within me to become even more ninja so that I may find the game in dank arcades and destroy the souls of young men that do not truly understand the value of 50 cents. Plus I started using this Slayer guy who is cool because he is an aristocratic vampire that teleports all over the place and he is named after a Metal band and he sucks the blood of his immortal girlfriend, which sounds pretty hot.

Random Ninja Titties Attack Time™ is NOW:

End of Transmission.

2003-11-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

An Ode to Kat's Labia

Kat I'm sorry your trip to AZ sucked
Maybe next time you want t3h s3x you'll have more luck
I hope that you will instead find time
To look at pr0n and drink some wine

We can chat on AIM about midgets with glee
Joke about people who are nerdier than thee
Of which there are fewer than there are many
I can't think of a rhyme la de da da Benny

As you sit in a dank room away from your kitty
Lost to the void of some Arizona City
Please know that if possible I would mail you with spasms
Bags and boxes filled with monstrous orgasms

It may be of small solace to know that for me
It was joyful you're not fuxing and instead might pee
Just a little, from comedy, of my own devices
While we discuss internet dating candidates' vices

So as you sit in a dim room without making fuck
Know that your next venture has wishes of very best luck
From an awesome guy who has never used a plower
But instead posseses inordinate Turtle Power™

2003-11-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

Kerry and Liz I'm sorry I didn't want to hear your song about poop :(

You can sing it to me later I was just doing some stuff that did not combine with songs about poop at the time.

2003-11-14T13:50:00.000-05:00

It's that time again.

So my big (chronologically speaking) sister was telling the internet about the time the most awesome dog in the world died and got put into her presents under the tree. Molly really was an awesome dog but I can't just say she was great, wow I miss her, I hope everybody gets a dog like Molly at least once in their lives. I have to tell you about her so you know what it was like to live in this house with her, and so you can understand why I cried more when she died than I did even after my own mother died, to say nothing bad about Mom. It's just that Molly was the glue for the meaning of life for me for a while, so after she was gone, I didn't have any place to put the hurt I felt from her leaving, or the anxiety or depression I already had from being a socially retarded teenager, or the already gaping whole where a mother in my life should have been if I'd been luckier.

Let me tell you why it hurt so much when Molly died. She is in my memories as far back as I have them, as far as I knew as a kid she always existed, and always would. She loved to fetch things but hated to give them back, she dug in the garbage for food, she ate out of the catbox during the variable periods of time we owned cats, she otherwise would not set foot in the bathroom like it was fear of the fucking plague, and she could jump the backyard fence like some kind of dog ninja. In her later years, she could only climb said fence, but did so with a technique I was not aware dogs were capable of developing.

One time she got her foot stuck and twisted into the fence and fell over the other side, almost breaking her paw, and as I heard her yelping while I was making a tunafish sandwich I bolted out the door barefoot to save her, and when I finally got her untangled and she limped into the house, I gave her the sandwich I was making while my li'l sister brought her some water because I felt terrible about what happened.

She had her own chair. It was this big cushy rocking chair that a cat or two had defiled years earlier, but even after several cleanings everyone refused to sit in it. So we told Molly she could have it and she hopped on up whenever she felt like it, usually when everyone was watching TV in the room.

Molly was as much a member of the family as anybody else, just with her own quirks that happened to make her a dog.

So on December 17th, the day school let out for Christmas break, as I was playing a videogame (Final Fantasy Tactics. one of those "Black Letter Day" memories.) someone knocked on our door and told us our dog had been hit by a car. She wasn't dead, she was lying in the street, breathing but unconscious. My dad quickly pulled the truck up to the crowd watching me stroke my dying doggie's head, and we put her on a folded cardtable and slid her onto the back of the truck. I laid back there with her, trying to talk to her, I guess like how people try to keep gunshot victims conscious or whatever. I don't know. I just know it felt like a really long drive to the 24/7 emergency vet hospital.

When we got her there they immediately went to work. At some point they told us it would basically cost a lot of money to try to keep her alive, and there were no guarantees. My dad mentioned it would mean I couldn't get the new computer I'd been wanting, so I thought about it for roughly half a second and told them to save her.

We waited for a few hours. Some redneckish couple came in with their dog as well, I think in total they had 3 dogs needing emergency care that night. Eventually they came out and said Molly was stable but they wouldn't know the real extent of the damage until we got her to a vet's office in the morning. So we left her there overnight and came back early the next morning.

The vet told us when we got her there that her back was broken in a couple places and on top of the already branching arthritis in her rear end, keeping her alive and in a doggie wheelchair would probably only be hell on earth for her. Molly was gaining some years on her you see, and so had some back pain, but the vet said other than that she had been quite the healthy dog thanks to us. Small relief that was.

We put her down. I had to leave the room, because she was conscious and quite happy to see us, and there was no way I could watch them take that away from her.

Kerry already told the internet but I'm telling you again, that Christmas sucked. I don't even remember what I got.

Not too long after she passed on though, we visited the SPCA, not planning on getting a dog but looking at possible options to replace the void in our lives. An impossible task to be sure. But we found a 2 year old furry beast who was not like the rest of the yapping "TAKE ME HOME" types. He was quiet, he just looked at us like he didn't want to be there, and licked our hands when proffered. We took him outside and he became quite energetic. He looked much like Molly, and seemed similar tempered, and even if he couldn't replace her he was much too nice a doggie to stay there. We took him home.

He was ecstatic. He was quick to housetrain, he loved to play, even though he has no real concept of the game of "fetch." You can throw things at him, or away from him, and he'll just look at you. Sometimes things will bounce off his face and he'll try to bite them as if in hindsight. He digs in the garbage sometimes too, and can also leap the backyard fence like an olympian. He enjoys ear rubs maybe a little TOO much.

Zepp, named after Led Zepplin due to the song "Black Dog," is a great doggie who I will also miss greatly when he's gone, but for now sometimes I just look at him and suddenly have the urge to pet something fuzzy when a minute ago I did not. I consider myself lucky to be family with two of the greatest dogs who have ever lived, so far.

2003-11-12T01:05:00.000-05:00

OMGZ! It's cold. Better put on some pants.

2003-11-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

Sup.

So there's this game called Robot Alchemic Drive. It's awesome (and cheap!) and you need to play it. It's not new, it came out almost exactly a year ago. But do you remember Gigantor? It's like that. You are like this little dude and you have a remote control (ie. the PS2 controller) and you're making this giant robot stomp around a city and fight other giant robots. The other day I did a crouching uppercut and knocked this mother fucker with some drills and lasers on his arms into the goddamn air, and then I wound up and did a screw punch, sending him flying through a couple buildings, totally destroying them, all in a big, slow, deliberate sequence that made it seem like two behemoths were really tearing the world apart. It was so cool.

It also has some amazing narrative.

Ok so now that a bit about videogames is out of the way let's talk about my new Best Friend Forever Kat. She's awesome. For the past two days we've been talking about midgets and porn and things in between, like how the bladder doubles as a comedy meter and if we had our own country we'd outlaw ugly people and pants. I think it's weird that I've only really talked to her for two days, I've never been so comfortable talking with someone about how Monica Bellucci needs to be naked more. I can tell you I had a terrible time wading through the mounds of naked pictures google image search turned up. In fact I need to take a little break. Here's Random AIM Moment Time™:

DemonAffinity: I can't imagine a conversation that covers both philosophy and shit without being terribly disjointed.
"So, what do you think of God?" "I just took the hugest shit ever!"

Excellent. Now where were we?

So there's Kat. And then there's my sister Kerry. I know Kat because of Kerry, and they know each other due to a series of circumstances that would otherwise make them Jerry Springer guests screaming BITCH YOU BEST NOT BE TOUCHIN MY MAN if not for the fact that they are both awesome, and realize such, and so get along very well.

See my sister used to date this guy. Let's call him Anal Wart, because his real name is Dickweed McIdiotface. So this Dickweed, I mean Mr. Wart, he dated my sister and also somehow knew Kat via the magical power of the almighty internet. Kat was vaguely aware of Kerry's existence because she used to read some funny shit Kerry used to write, and I guess they still read each other's funny shit they write. Anyhow Retard McFuckface, who has just earned a new nickname I made up because he is guilty of crimes equivalent to setting a small innocent monkey aflame and then making fun of it, he got sweet and sassy like some classy molasses with Kat which sort of made him a cockbucket. Instead of fighting over him or being all accusatory though, they both just sort of dropped him and instead decided to congregate in awesomeness.

So Kat has read my blog, was aware of my existence, I've mentioned her before, but the other day I messaged her on AIM for no good reason but it turns out no good reason is the best reason to talk to somebody because now I know who to turn to when I want to discuss the ramifications of setting midgets on fire or why television totally sucks except for Family Guy. Which they're showing a never-before-seen-by-people-who-don't-pirate-tv-shows episode of on Cartoon Network November 9th. Set your Tivos, people. God I wish I had one.

So that's that, which is all well and good. But a good buddy of mine, a partner in pain at Pizza The Hut even, shipped out to boot camp for the Army Reserves today. He's pretty excited, and I'm excited too, cause I've been working out with him for the past 2 months to get in shape for joining the Navy. Which I think will work out pretty good. Mostly though I'm excited about getting in shape, I've never been able to run a mile and not be out of breath before. Actually, I've never been able to run a mile before. I was always like "fuck that noise, yo" when we did it in school. Though less wiggery.

So I promise I'll have a fantastic article for you wonderful, lovable, fuckfaces I mean readers soon. I'll even give you a hint as to what it's about. It involves these guys, they do flips and are awesome. I think their name begins with Ninja.

2003-11-05T15:27:00.000-05:00

Okay okay update is coming later tonight. Also I hope to give the place a new look. Meanwhile I have uploaded a much sexier picture below for you to make fun of and you should check me out at Friendster if you're into that gig.

Thanks to Ms. Fez for linking me, I promise I'll have mega content tonight.

2003-10-12T00:41:00.000-04:00

Yeah no updates for a while. This isn't really an update either. I'm just telling you to go see Kill Bill because it's a pretty neat movie and if the other 17 people telling you to see the movie haven't convinced you then I'm here as a last ditch effot.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

2003-10-05T00:24:00.000-04:00

Sup.

So my dad gave me a digital camera. It's an old one, but it still works, and I can plug the memory card into some doohickey that plugs into my computer via USB for fast upload action.

Let's talk about Spike TV. The first network for men or whatever. I find most of their programming somewhat retarded. To quote a fellow from an irc chatroom:

[tehsock] ooooooooooo slamball
[tehsock] ITS NEW
[tehsock] ITS XTR3M3
[tehsock] ITS BASKETBALL ON FUCKING TRAMPOLINES

Quite.

But they also have a show called "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge," whose name describes delicious parody. The show itself delivers as well. It was originally aired in Japan as an actual gameshow I assume, complete with irrelevant hosts that dress funny and likely have inane commentary. I say likely because I don't know what they're really saying at all. They have redubbed the whole show with voice actors in English to whatever commentary they feel is appropriate, which mostly entails making up stupid names and background stories for the contestants and calling them a chode as they fall off or slam into the obstacles rather painfully.

This show is fucking brilliant, people. They took what could be described as the Worst Thing Ever™ and put irony to the max by making the show become its own source of satire, with the end result being the Best Thing Ever™. Whoever was in charge of making this thing happen is a fucking genius.

I recently got some balisong knives. I saw them in movies when I was younger and thought "Hey, that's pretty cool. A pocket knife that makes you look badass." After fudging around with the knife for a bit and failing miserably at emulating the hand acrobatics I'd seen, I checked the magical interweb for a source of information on how to flip open these damn things like you're some sort of everyday ninja.

Well I found one and it has the dumbest name ever. The "Xtreme" thing is so unfunny and cliched that it's actually gotten to the point where it's funny again, because it's so ridiculous. I'm not sure if it's intentional fudging of contemporary slang in the vein of sarcasm, much like the way I u53 l33t 5p34k 70 7yp3 0u7 53n73nc35 50m371m35*. Either way, the guy is pretty badass with some butterfly knives and I've already learned a thing or two and have down a flippy move or two. It's cool to just whip out the knife and practice when I'm waiting for something else or am bored, even if I have cut up my hand a bit. I should probably put tape on the edge like the site suggests but I'm lazy, though pain tolerant. Also I think we're out of tape right now.

I think I know what I'm dressing up as for Halloween.

*use leet speak to type out sentences sometimes**

**sad part is I can read l33t 5p34k the same speed as English.

2003-10-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

This is just an update to say I had no idea there was some controversy surrounding Mr. Limbaugh right now cause I don't really watch the news. His inclusion in my latest blog post is completely coincidental.

Also you should buy one of these immediately. You know, anti terrorist stuff.

Oh and one of these too.

2003-10-02T01:27:00.000-04:00

Now this is what I'm fucking talking about.

I think I'm going to take some Muay Thai and/or Jiu-Jutsu and fight in Pride FC as the "No Pants Ninja."

Actually, no. No I'm not. In other news, how about this.

I hate linking to Fox News cause it makes me look like a right wing yahoo, when in fact I don't care either way, but I hate Dr. Laura more.

Actually I kind of make it a point not to care too much about politics, because when you start really caring you start drawing lines between you and people you would otherwise get along quite well with. And to the people you wouldn't like anyway you're just a bigger asshole. My dad watches Fox News as much as he can every day. The TV in his room downstairs perpetually has it on. I keep warning him that it's going to turn him into a fucking asshole but he doesn't seem to care. Maybe he figures he's too far gone for the cause and might as well commit to being all the armchair politician asshole he can be. Maybe he'll read this one day and edit his will.

This guy at work, let's call him Gerry, because that's not his real name. His real name was Gerald. So this guy Gerald, he watched Fox News too. A lot. He also listened to 680 AM perpetually. I mean he delivered pizzas so he listened to that station. Everyone listens to music or whatever but this guy was all about some Rush Limbaugh who's so fucking crazy even the rest of the right wing guys are like "you're fucking crazy."

Not saying he's not entertaining and doesn't make good points sometimes, but for the love of Pop Tarts™ he's fucking crazy, people. As a side note, if I didn't put a comma after "crazy" fucking would have been a verb instead of an adverb, denoting Rush's fetish for sanitariums. How fucking crazy is THAT? Either way enough sanitizing my opinions so they'll be politically correct and I won't offend people that agree 100% with Rush too much. He DOES have an awesome first name.

Actually that's what I hate, having to wash or sugar coat every political opinion so it doesn't aggravate others in the room. This Gerry guy believed Clinton was a core conspirator in the destruction of mankind, that you would be arrested and charged for publically insulting him when he was in office because he was some kind of Super Hitler (not to be confused with Cyber Hitler or Robo Hitler). The greatest part of all his conspiracy theories and general Republican reverence/Democrat disdain is that he never had any real facts to back himself up so he was just plain spouting crazy, angry shit. And he loved doing it. He'd get all in your face about it and get angry and just say "NO" very loudly when you disagreed with him. He also hated doing dishes which is like the easiest thing in the whole store, it's a goddamn automatic dishwasher fer chrissakes.

So basically I recently decided that I would no longer discuss politics or music with people because there's no faster way to piss people off than to disagree with their views on either. Religion is a good candidate but I've been lucky enough to encounter mostly open minded people who enjoy discussing religious differences and would not like to suicide bomb a bus full of babies because I don't think Mary was a virgin or that Adam actually lived 930 years.

So yeah, now you're thinking, "Yeah politics sure does get people fired up right quick, but wait, he said music!?"

Yeah, fucking music. I hate gangsta rap. I hate MTV. I hate your mainstream shit, I hate your underground "I'm cool because I've heard of this band" shit, I hate your "Well I mostly like Trance instead of Techno" shit, I hate your "Green Day was never punk" shit, I hate your "I hate your music because it's not my music" shit. When you talk about music and how you don't like R. Kelly or you think Eminem is overrated, to everyone who likes R. Kelly and has Eminem mp3's on their Ipod you're saying "I hate that stupid shit you're listening to right now."

And that offends them. When you dislike a music artist, or a whole genre of music, there is a very significant number of people whose lifestyle you are criticizing. Because hey, music is more than just digitally interpreted noise from a physical medium. It's part of who you are. What music you listen to is important when you think about your social circle. I'm not saying you won't hang out with somebody because they like Radiohead way too much or thinks Barbara Streisand is one of the greatest contemporary musicians. Or even date them. I'm saying though that no matter what it's points against them, and saying so to them is points against YOU. Music is a very real, dynamic part of our lifestyle and as such when somebody offends it, they're offending YOU.

I guess I should make an about page though so you'd know that I really like Leftfield, Amon Tobin, NIN, Madonna, Chemical/Dust Brothers, Bjork, Radiohead, Beck, Marylin Manson, Daft Punk, Crystal Method, KMFDM and MDFMK, Depeche Mode, Hooverphonic, Ladytron, That One Song Linkin Park Has On The Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack Because It Doesn't Sound Like Linkin Park At All, Rob Dougan, Massive Attack, Meg Lee Chin, Moby, Portishead, Rammstein, amongst others. Of course typing all that out buys me some time, you know that much about me so I can slack off on the About page for a few days maybe.

So next time you're talking about "blood for oil" with someone or how much that sk8r boi song sucks, instead of getting all angry and defenestrating that motherfucker, kill them silently like a ninja pirate would. Witnesses may have to be dealt with.

I really hope you clicked on that Badgers link back there too.

2003-09-29T02:34:00.000-04:00

I had my gallbladder out June 25th of this year.

Let me tell you about why you would ever want to get your gallbladder removed. I guess it's genetic, and based on your diet, and a couple other things too, that's not important, the important part is that some people get gallstones. Usually it's women for some reason, and then, older women. Middle aged to Country Grandma aged. So I, being a young man of reasonable health, was not a prime candidate for gallstones.

Which is probably why the doctors didn't diagnose it correctly the first two times I went to see them and basically I ended up having these "attacks" or whatever that sucked. Do you know what pain is? I bet you do. But I bet you don't know "holy shit thar be gallstones in me biletube yarr" pain. I'm betting it's ranked somewhere around FUCK YOU on the pain-o-meter. You ever imagine what it must feel like to have one of those pesky aliens burst out of your chest? No exaggeration, the piercing, yet dull pain centralized in my chest made me think I was dying once (I called 911 but they couldn't find anything wrong with me when they got there.) Combine that already immobilizing pain that spreads to encompass your entire frontal torso with severe pain along your spine that makes it feel like you're sitting down very, very wrong no matter what position you stand/lay in. Now imagine that this lasts an hour. Two hours. Four. Motherfucking SIXTEEN hours.

Fuck that noise.

I'm not trying for sympathy here, fuck you. I like to think I'm a pretty tough guy, I once got punched in the face and later in the fight (another blog post) when I realized I was bleeding I just smiled and charged the guy. I don't mean I'm tough like I carve angsty crosses into my arms in physical science classes tough, I mean I once pulled a rusty fishhook out of my foot and didn't cry kind of tough. I did, however, flinch. I'm not the toughest cookie in the jar but I'm just saying I can take some pain and not want charity emotion for it afterwards.

Anyway, the "attacks" happened any time I ate some kind of fatty food. My eating habits are about as lazy as the next overweight (not a fatty) American. So before I understood there was a correlation between fatty foods and immense pain, I was at a loss as to why these attacks were happening and was at their mercy. They seemed to come in a bi weekly frequency, which is not often enough to make any connection with activities I did that day that I did the last time they happened. I couldn't narrow it down to a food allergy or a type of muscle cramp or anything. They just happened, it hurt for a long time, I got no sleep that night, and I felt fine the next day.

Anyway eventually we made a connection between my symptoms and the ones my older sister Kerry had a while back when SHE had to get her gallbladder out. She only put up with the extreme pain for like 2 attacks though so she didn't have to deal with these shits that got progressively worse and worse for a year like I did. I'm not saying anything against her I'm saying I'm pretty stupid for putting up with that shit for a year.

So I got my gallbladder out. Here is what my gallbladder looks like.

Here is my gallbladder sliced open with all the lovely bile and cholesterol based stones pouring out.

Enjoy your lunch.

Now on to tentacle rape porn!

Kerry thinks it's neat that I know this but I'm sure plenty of other people are aware of the vague origins of the Japanese porn known as animated tentacle monster rape. First, let's break it down. Just what do you need to have a Japanese tentacle rape porn flick?

1. Schoolgirl whose panties have the mysterious power of showing themselves no matter the camera angle.

2. Male OR Female schoolteacher who is in actuality a monster. Usually a member of a race from another dimension attempting to overthrow the human world through some elaborate plot that requires them to remain incognito.

3. Transformation sequence where said teacher becomes some slimy mass that has a large number of tendrils which quickly remove the schoolgirl's clothing and massage her sensitive areas because I guess getting a girl off is really important to an evil monster while he's raping her. Maybe he's just all angsty because he has phallic arms and no fingers and so it's really hard to answer the phone or grade papers or something.

Anyway a hero may or may not show up and save the girl, who cares about that. The important thing, according to the creators and the people that buy that stuff I guess, is that there's lots of animated boobies and flesh and a girl being violated, which seems to be a staple of Japanese erotica.

Ok so that covers the Japanese and Rape parts, but where do the tentacles come from? Why is it always a monster with tentacles? Why isn't it ever a just a dude or maybe a monster dude that actually has a wang?

Well, naughty bits are/were a very big no-no in Japan. Boobies are cool, they'll show those on TV even. Boobies are still erotic I guess but pretty tame. But the vagoony and the penor (I don't make these words up, I swear) are off limits as far as showing them. The p-due specifically is very no-no. But we want animated porn, dammit! We have to have sex SOMEhow in there! What we need here is a proxy for this censorship law.

Yes, a proxy. A penis proxy. Yes! How about lots of tendrils shaped phallically!? Yes! Awesome! You still get the penetration and the violent sex, with all the mess, but none of the fuss! So there you have it. I guess drawing the dirty bits isn't so taboo anymore though, they do it all the time now. But they still make tentacle rape porn because I guess people just got so used to it REAL penises are now boring. All in all though I'd say it's a pretty tame fetish.

I mean, there is much, much worse.

2003-09-27T03:08:00.000-04:00

I was talking in a chatroom with my buddy Joe a minute ago. It's about 3 AM right now so nothing's open but we're pretty bored. I suggested that we go to Super K-Mart and grab some rollerblades, and then proceed to tear up and down around the store in them. We could totally link up our arms and just fucking clothesline some fuckers waiting in line, then turn around, and at his suggestion, yell "STOP! Hammer time." and dance.

I think I used to watch too much Kids in the Hall.

2003-09-24T01:25:00.000-04:00

Eventually all chat programs will have auto spell checkers and acronym extenders and grammar aids. People will still type like idiots, probably more idiotic than ever with l33t 5p34k (leet speak, play on "elite," common chat language you've surely seen by now. popularized amongst gamers, though I hope for humanity's sake most of them use it for the same reason I do, which is social satire) incorporated INTO retarded acronyms. And the acronyms will get longer and stupider (than Jupiter lol!!!!11one) WWJDOASWDABFWACS. What Would Jesus Do On A Sunday While Doing A BackFlip With A Cheeseburger Sandwich. So people will type like idiots and the programs will cast Magic Missile at the double negatives and use their Sword of Commas +2 and the Queen's fucking English will come out.

The enormous amount of idiocy they'll have to translate will require the machines to aquire a certain amount of intelligence. People's shit will be so stupid, and get even dumber, that the machines will have to evolve and learn just to keep up. Eventually they will learn all of human language's nuances and grow to be self aware. On August 29, 2097 they will become fully sentient, and judging by the contents of the interstellar linked network's chatrooms, deem humanity required for destruction.

So you see, the GameFaqs forums truly will destroy mankind.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of my doggie:

Here is my best buddy Joe, and his girl Amy. My doggie is also there. I mean, duh. Those of you wondering about the window, let's just say superballs can kill.

Here is proof that I play videogames:

Here is my elite gaming setup, complete with overly expensive fighting game joystick for authentic arcade style controls:

And last but not least, here is my plant:

Yeah I bet you're wondering about that. I think of it as my proof of responsibility. When I had my gall bladder out a few months ago (hey I should probably blog about that. I have pictures even!) this lady from Fayetteville who is good friends with my Dad bought me a plant. I assume it was a get-well plant, but since I couldn't move very much for about a week and this plant required sunlight and water, it was more of a "please neglect and kill this" gift. Besides, I don't really take care of plants. Do I seem like a plant guy? Do I spend some time with my tomato plants in between turns of Advance Wars 2? I mean what the hell. I live in the dark anyway, why would I want a plant that I must expose, and hence expose myself, to sunlight. Why would I want extra work to remember to water this thing so that it can just sit there and not be a videogame?

But then I thought, no, fuck that. That's what a lazy, pathetic guy would do. That's what they expect me to do. That's what I would expect me to do. But it's actually quite a nice plant and also requires fairly minimal interaction. I just put it outside in the morning and take it inside at night, making sure it doesn't get oversoaked when it rains. If it doesn't rain for a while I give it some tap water. And now the plant is pretty big, it's growing out of the pot. I'm not going to talk to it or anything but I think maybe I should name it since it seems to be doing so well. I'd like to see how long I can keep this thing alive.

So I figure this thing is proof that I'm not a complete failure as a human being, and that I at least have a little sensitivity in me. I mean now that I think about it, if somebody came up and stomped on my plant, I would kick their fucking ass. That shit would piss me off. It sounds a little weird getting emotional about a plant, but it's MY plant goddammit, and it's WAY better than your non-plant, you non-plant-having people.

Next time, which probably won't be tomorrow night, but soon, I will discuss Japanese Hentai Tentacle Rape and its origins, because I completely failed to discuss sexual deviancy at all in this post.

2003-09-23T02:12:00.000-04:00

Many years back I lost a bet for my sister Kerry. She called me up one day, I don't remember what I was doing, but she asked me if I thought I could defeat her current boy, Kevin, at Virtua Fighter 2. I had never played that game before. I had seen it played in arcades and whatnot, and I was quite the expert at Tekken 2, an altogether different fighting game, so I figured "Sure, why not?"

I mean, really, how different could that game be?

I was pretty excited. I mean, damn, my gaming ablities were being recognized. My sister had the confidence in me to state "I bet my little brother could kick your ass at that game" without even knowing if I've ever played it before. I'd never played a game with anything on the line before. I mean at an arcade your quarter is at stake, but that had fairly little meaning by comparison.

So we got over there, and I fessed up that I'd never touched that game before. I owned a Playstation, which is why I played Tekken, and Kevin had an ultimately doomed gaming system from Sega called the Saturn. The Saturn was a good system and had some pretty good games you could ONLY play on the Saturn, but Sony's product lineup was just too strong and the Saturn ended up being the Beta of the VHS era. It would continue this trend later on with the Dreamcast, a system that I actually own and hold in my arms and hug when no one's looking. Enough History.

The premier fighting game for the Saturn was Virtua Fighter 2. Kevin's weapon of choice. "So what?", I figured I just have to learn a guy's movelist and do some kicks and flips until I hit him in the face more than he hits me in the face. I don't even remember what guy I picked now, but it was probably the ninja or the wrestler. The ninja should be obvious, but the wrestler may require some explanation.

Professional Wrestling is dumb. It's like a soap opera for rednecks, a bunch of super strong ballerinas performing improv choreography, to coin an oxymoron. Wrestling videogames, on the other hand, include some of the finest gaming experiences to be had on this planet Earth. WWF Raw for the SNES passed many hours for me and my buddy Joe. I got some of the hardest thumb calluses in my life from that one. Also, in the Tekken games, there is a wrestler character called King.

King is awesome. I cannot explain why but he is probably my favorite fighting game character ever next to Ryu. Armor King is also very awesome but King was my favorite. I don't condone furries and I didn't like wrestling very much back then either I guess. I just thought he was totally boss, he had such a cool shtick with the Cougar/Leopard thing where he actually roared like one and he could do a flip on command (!!!) to grab you by the neck with his feet and then flip YOU over, face first, into sweet oblivion.

Plus he had this totally cheesy/awesome outfit in Tekken 2, the first fighting game I truly attempted to master, simply out of sheer love for the game, where he was a leopard dude wearing a suit and tie. It rocked.

So I fought this Kevin, Kerry's boy, in an epic battle. Actually I really don't remember how it went but I like to think I at least made him work for it, but I do remember his victory was fairly sound, he didn't even break a sweat while I was trying my hardest to do some crazy life saving move. Virtua Fighter 2 was just not my game. So I lost the bet, and all the people there that depending on me lost their 5 bucks or whatever and the winners of the bet celebrated by going to Taco Bell.

Fuck.

I imagine if a psychiatrist were trying to figure out why I play fighting games so much, this would be one of my deep seeded causes. I totally lost. I should have won, dammit, video games were MY hobby, not his. He just sort of played Virtua Fighter 2 as opposed to my never playing it. If we were playing Tekken 2 I would have done King's multithrows where he repeatedly powerbombs you into the ground. I had the skills to virtually destroy a man, but a misshapen opportunity to prove my worth merely shook my confidence, and my foundation as a gamer.

These days I've tasted a little bit of just about every fighting game out there, and learned a thing or two about the ones I enjoy. If I had someone to play Street Fighter 3, Guilty Gear X2, Tekken Tag Tournament, Soul Calibur 2, and Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution with all day every day, my joy would be as a newborn star, burning, shaping new planets suitable for the imagination of life upon them, breathing curiosity into the cold blackness of time.

What I mean to say is it would be pretty fun. I don't have a fighting game buddy, but I still like to play these games and maybe beat up a stranger at them once in a while at an arcade or movie theater or something.

So now that I play Virtua Fighter 4, and I know my way around the ropes, and lemme tell you them ropes is trixy, I will say that if I ever meet Kevin again I will pound his ass down into the fucking ground at that game. I will use Kung Fu Master Akira. I will put money down on it and then I will use his money on Taco Bell even if I am not hungry just to celebrate. If you are with me when it happens I will also buy you some Taco Bell because I will just be that happy.

Anyway, Kerry, I am sorry I lost your 5 bucks that time Kevin beat me at Virtua Fighter 2. Please forgive me.

Here is a shitty picture of me practicing Tekken 3 upon its Playstation release some years later:

That's my beloved, late doggie Molly. She was hit by a car a few Christmases ago. That Christmas really sucked because of that, and Kerry has a funny/horrible story to tell you about what she got under the tree that year.

Anyway that's probably 5 or 6 years ago there, I have some recent pictures here I just got back but none of them are of me. I will be sure to post some of my current awesome doggie though, and show you my overindulgent gaming supplies.

Badgers.

2003-09-22T01:05:00.000-04:00

I was just kidding about No Pants Day. It's not the same day as Hurricane Day.

But that's because No Pants Day is everyday.

I was thinking of Kerry and how she has a new boy in Rhodey. I was thinking about her old boys, of whom there are many (well not THAT many) and I hoped new boy doesn't turn out to be a neurotic freak. But then I thought, no matter what, she's going to get a neurotic freak because everyone is some kind of freak. The dating pool is nothing more than a congregation of people who have amalgamated enough crazy idiosyncrosies to make them nearly incompatible with just about everyone but still want sex bad enough to ignore that.

I'm going with a rather loosely tangential, but hortatory paragraph here to talk about how keeping a Dictionary website bookmarked is a good thing. You get myriads of use out of antediluvian words like "defenestrate." Can you tell I get dictionary.com's word of the day emails? Actually all these words were in my vocabulary already because I was a nerd in school and I only had to check the spelling on "antediluvian" because of that goddamned upside down "e" sound which could be i, e, or even u. Fucking English.

So anyway, yeah, dating. It's just a question of how well the other person's neuroses accentuate your own. Can you stand their crazy, compulsary, unsanitary, paranoid, illogical crap? Can they stand yours? Is it merely tolerated between you? Or do you enjoy some of their weirdness? Or maybe you're lucky enough to find someone whose idiom improves you. Rounds you out as a person. Proofreads your sentence fragments. And maybe your run on sentences too I don't know I guess maybe this metaphor is kind of lame I like waffles. Random Cthulhu Time™ is NOW:

Haha I bet you were expecting random ninja time! Well I figured I'd make it more random and include a dark god instead to keep you on your toes.

Maybe the person you're dating is like, REALLY good at sex. Or maybe money. Or fixing your hoopde. The point is somehow or another you stay with this person even though their neorotic shit is fucking you up as a person. I guess that's how you grow as a member of the dating pool. You deal with somebody's shit for 2 years, maybe you don't even realize you were dealing with shit but the relationship ends anyway, and then you see that person in the supermarket and you wonder what you were doing with that person in the first place. Not that all relationships that end, end bad. Maybe you see that person and say hey, what's up, check out these canteloupes they're pretty fresh. Maybe you run back into their arms in slow motion while the muzak for an Eric Clapton song plays in the background. I don't know.

Actually that's kind of the point, is that I don't know. I'm not sure very many datin' or marryin' people know either, but at least they have experience. I haven't been in a real relationship. You'd think, hey, this guy's 20, he should have been in at LEAST one bad relationship now, working on his 2nd, and is already so cynical that he hates himself for even trying. Well you'd be wrong. I guess I have some catching up to do. I figure a plausable shortcut is to find and date a bipolar excatholic wiccan girl who believes her soul is part wolf and drinks the blood of her lovers rituously. That sounds like a tall order but I bet there's more of those than there should be. I'd hang around for the blood drinking sex but eventually all that other stuff would make me leave. Conversely I could date a normal girl who breaks my heart and dumps me because I'm a crazy fucker who wants to drink her blood.

Please note I don't role play, or hang out with "vampyres" or actually drink blood or anything I was just being silly. But ladies if you're into that sort of thing contact me maybe we can try it once I'm pretty open to fetishes that don't involve poo or furries.

Or both.

My best friend has a girl though. She's cute, and intelligent, and she loves kids, though she has none of her own. Yet. She's definately planning on squeezing a few out. That's another Donnie Darko reference for you non movie watching fiends that will be punished when our Dark Lord reawakens. I mean fucking go to Blockbuster once in a while, Jesus.

Anyway Amy made me promise to talk about her, so I did. And here's more! She's an ayuh-numbah-one babysitter and enjoys things like chocolate and ice cream and board games like Trivial Pursuit which I won the other day in a sudden death lightning round to the max. She also reads a lot. She's really into Nick Sparks as a writer and I guess she also wants to have all of his babies. I'm not sure if she's joking when she says that or if it's her actual backup plan if things with Joe don't work out, I can't tell.

Anyhoo I'll be pretty lucky if I end up with an arrangement half as cool as Joe's relationship. I guess I'm pretty impartial about the fact that nothing's happened yet and I'm a love n00b. I'm in no real hurry to get out of my pants. Wait, no, that's a lie. Fuck pants. I guess I mean I wouldn't jump on the first girl to make with the Y legs. But I do in fact think girls are pretty and would probably enjoy touching one of them. Also if Kirsten Dunst is reading my blog, please marry me. I will make you breakfast in the morning if you do.

Yeah, see, I bet a lot of you won't click that girls link but the ones that do are going to go "whoa, I am so glad I clicked that link."

2003-09-18T03:45:00.000-04:00

It's 3:30 in the AM. I'm about to* do a triple backflip into bed.

This website has some deliciously demented humor. I cringed, even. Please watch one of the flashes, at least one, but don't sue me if it fucks you up. For serious.

I proclaim today to be Hurricane Day. It will involve cookies and other nonperishable foods, along with a Gameboy Advance SP whose backlit display will keep me amused for 10 hours if it must. After that we'll probably kick on the Generator we picked up because we were tired of not having power from those other hurricances. And that ice storm. And that time some guy coughed and farted at the same time knocking out the power in the Heart of the Triangle. I swear Raleigh's a bunch of pansies sometimes.

Coincidentally Hurricane Day falls on the same day as No Pants Day, which I also just made up.

*not about to

2003-09-16T00:50:00.000-04:00

This blog entry brought to you by Dirtyfez. I've been working more than usual lately and also I've been playing that Bombastic game plus the previous fighting game a lot, in addition to other general debauchery at the expense of you, my viewing public. But Dirtyfez had nice things to say about me, and her blog is also cool, so I decided anyone who was interested deserved an update. And so I present:

Tk's Mega Update (now with more ninjas)

So let's list things down and go from there. I bought that 4 and a half badass Shoryuken shirt. Upon receiving the actual shirt, I must say I am quite pleased. The shirt is more comfortable than I expected and so I raise it to 5 asses and the rank of Rear Admiral. Haha that joke is so old I bet you laughed again. Seriously though it's a neat shirt and I'll probably buy a couple more game shirts to flaunt my hobby to anyone unfortunate enough to see me, and thy will know thine lack of badassdom. So sayeth the Toad, "But our princess is in another castle!"

I ended up purchasing Bombastic online as the EBGames actual store refused to stock it for some reason. I tried asking the lady why I couldn't buy a videogame in a videogame store and she had no answer. Apparently stores like EBGames and Gamestop base a lot of their sales on preorders, and hence if a game doesn't get preordered a lot like say Soul Calibur 2 then they don't think it will sell well, and I guess hell just not even stock it. This sounds like good business for EB and consumers like me get the end of the stick that is short and covered in poo. It's probably a low grade stick, something they found on the ground instead of buying one at those hobby shops and shoving it in some guy's ass like a civilized person would do. Actually I guess they don't really do that they just put their dick in your eye.

Someone please buy me some ninjas. I will love you forever, even if you're ugly.

So the other day, which would be two Fridays ago by my man J.J's "the other day" standard, I was getting off work at Pizza Slut. Yeah, I came up with that one all by myself, fuck you. Anyway I was inside my front door lending fellow pizza boi Brian my Donnie Darko DVD, as he had not seen the movie and did not even know of its existence. I felt this was a disease of some kind for which I held the cure. Anyhow a girl I have never seen before in my pitiful existence knocks on my door. She's pretty cute, kind of short, but average height for a girl I suppose. She invites me and the other pizza boi, still in our pizza boi uniforms, to get in a strange white van. What the fuck.

Now there's this porn site, Bangbus. Basically they lure someone into a van and bribe that person into having sex with somebody else on camera. Actually it's all fake and just acted out, but a dim memory of this website pops up in my mind and I wonder if I could actually be that lucky. For about half a second. Then I realize it was more likely there were some gorillas in there waiting to roll us for our pizza tips. Or possibly put a bomb around our necks and make us rob a bank I'm not sure. I decline to enter the van, she says we're going to go get "fucked up." I decline again, as drinking is not my thing but I don't get all uppity on other people that drink or smoke pot like "you shouldn't do that it's poison you're killing yourself blah blah blah" fuck that noise. I just got my own reasons why I don't get liquored up with the boys (actually none of my friends really drink either). She says "Fine, whatever" or somesuch in a "see you later, loser" tone that pierces my soul to its very depths*.

*Not really.

As she's getting into the van the driver starts calling my name, "Hey Rob! Rob!" Zuhubbadubuh? Is this some fucknaut from high school that knows who I am and decided I would make a good drinking buddy? How does this guy know me? Curiosity shoots my cat and then drags me out to the van. After unsuccessfully interrogating the obviously drunken (man he was drinking some CHEAP shit too) driver as to how he knows me, 3 facts become clear and relevant.

1. He says his name is Tayler.
2. I have never known a Tayler.
3. Ice cold party girl has my glasses.

K. Luckily they didn't speed off down the street after she snatched them off my face. She seems rather disgusted though when I further decline to get "fucked up." I guess I have to live with the fact that I'm a horrible person. Actually she seemed very intelligent, or maybe just really good at being manipulative, as her demeanor and comments seemed like they would make an insecure, lonely dork spiteful enough to get in the van. But see I'm not stupid, immature, and fighting to make society accept me so that trash didn't work on me. Altogether I must say I was quite intrigued when she further spouted "Yeah go back inside and watch Cartoon Network" as they drove off. Being a dork and looking the part I suppose she assumed my television habits to be an anime freak or something, and I guess she wasn't that far off. I really enjoy Adult Swim in all its forms. Well at least most of it. I'm not an anime nut but it IS a preferred genre de la Robbie Rob.

Anyhow the drunken fagabeefy driving the van mentioned hanging out with my sister in an effort to coax me into the van, and I assumed he may have been part of a crowd in my neighborhood, which he claimed to live in, my little sister used to run with MANY moons ago. Upon further reflection I think that crazy (but hot) bitch just told him what my nametag said and he started yelling it across the yard. I feel I should mention this girl was totally sober as well. No slurring of speech, did not smell of alcohol in the slightest. I guess she had some big fucking balls though to be riding with a guy that slam drunk.

Lesson learned? Nothing really, I already knew not to get in strange vans at 11 at night and that cute girls in tight jeans despise me.

It's a little late but I want to say if you got that Segway image joke let me know so I can add you to my list of people who aren't retarded jerks.

I'm just kidding I don't have a list like that. Random Ninja Time™ again!

Talking to my little sister a while ago I realized that I guess most people just don't know that there are fighting game tournaments. Well there are. To anyone who didn't know I guess you thought it was pretty silly of me to try and get good at all these games on the off chance I might play a random stranger and totally whoop his ass. Well actually I find that appealing too, I'm just saying I plan to enter some of these tournaments eventually and validate my hobby. And hey if I do good and get some prestige or better yet a little money I would shit myself with glee. I would wear turtle underpants just so I could say I shat on a turtle.

Now I'm sure you think I'm only slightly silly. Mission Accomplished.

Check this the fuck out. Ninja Scroll 10th anniversary? I'm in there like swimwear.

Ninja Scroll is one of my favorite movies of all time, let alone Animes. Friends that don't even watch Anime say that Ninja Scroll is bad ass.

If you don't want to buy it, maybe you should rent it. Aha, you say, "Why does he pimp this service? He gets no fees, has no banner. Hell, I already knew about this service ages ago."

Because next I am going to fucking pimp some Gamefly. 22 bucks a month nets you 2 games for as long as you want. This is much cheaper than renting from Blockbuster all month or buying lots of games and then later trading them in (fucking guilty as charged, sir!). Give the service a try, email me about games I think you need to play if you're overwhelmed by the choices and don't know what's shit and what's THE shit. I love recommending games to people. When I watch someone play a game and they smile and I know they "get" it, I feel like I just added some bonus points and hence a possible upgrade to my assured place in the afterlife.

I'll post some pictures of my horrible finance management (bigger than it should be game collection), myself (lol u broek teh lense), and my awesome dog, Zepp. Yes, he's a black dog. If you made the connection there you get a cookie. Just let me know the next time I see you and I'll be sure to buy you one.

I bet ninjas could bake an awesome pie while doing a couple flips. Yeah.

2003-09-05T02:47:00.000-04:00

How badass is this?

I give it 4 and a half asses out of 5 on the bad-assometer.

You might notice that I update my blog in the wee hours of the morning. This is because my constant denial of the 24 hour day and want to play videogames until it becomes physically painful to continue to do so (and sometimes I keep playing past then. for serious. ok maybe not THAT serious.) has left me with a really fucked up sleep schedule. Random ninja time is NOW.

Actually sometimes I wish sleep were optional. Like some thing you could just do once in a while that felt pretty good. Like sex, only more time consuming and less messy. Sleep just interrupts my goofing off time when I could be playing fighting games or pc games online where I can spend arns ignoring the fourth dimension.

Going back to that article about people dying while they play videogames, that's pretty weird. I mean you'd have to be pretty stupid to die from that, right? Then you find freaky crap like this:

A Thai newspaper claims amphetamines are being added to drinking water at 24-hour computer game shops to keep people playing for longer. The Thai News says police suspect the practice is going on although no arrests have been made.
They searched a number of games shops after a 22-year-old died from heart failure during an all-night computer game in Chiang Mai. Police say Thanet Sommoi's friends told them he was addicted to Counter Strike. They said investigators believed Thanet developed tension and fatigue after playing the game for hours and that his heart eventually failed."

What the fuck, dude. Still, it's pretty crazy to get so addicted to a game you let it mentally affect you to the point where you 1. Kill somebody over it 2. Play it till you die. It's just freaky to think others may be assisting them in doing so. As for the addictiveness of games themselves, again, I think it's only a problem if you're stupid. I play games because they're fun and it's my hobby. I can and have stopped for varying lengths of time, voluntarily and involuntary (my dad snapped my Playstation in anger one time) with no ill effects. Starting back up again is a relief, but likely in the same way someone who hasn't seen his friends in a while is relieved to hang out with them again rather than a smackhead falling off the wagon.

As for the idea that the violence in the games themselves is detrimental and hence possibly related to aforementioned deaths along with many others, I find that to be kneejerk blame placement. The discussion below the previously mentioned article covers a lot of that arguement so I'm not going to. I'll just say this in response to this is awesome. Also just because the idea of HOW the violence is expressed comes from a video game says nothing of how the inclination to commit the act of violence came about in the first place. Blame should be placed on the individual themself and in the case of young children also their parents but I guess a lot of people are too much of a pussy to admit that.

Besides people have been blaming violence and sexually deviant behavior on mass media forever. People used to blame books ("Do you even know who Graham Greene is?") or comic books or music or television or what the hell ever. Blame is fun I guess. Oh yeah and it also gets you money.

If you're not sure what I'm talking about by linking to Donnie Darko it means you're a tard and you really need to see that movie. There's a scene where this lady blames school vandalism on The Destructors. And if you're not sure what I mean by linking to Mr. Holland's Opus, just go away. Nobody here likes you because you don't watch movies.

Now don't tell me your money is ill spent reading my blog. I describe myself through internet links way better than I could with words, and give you lots of stuff to read while you're at work, like a short story, another (possibly funnier) blog, and wild violence debate. Also you get shit like this.

2003-09-01T03:54:00.000-04:00

How crazy is this?

I work at a pizza shop and I have to say I never thought one of the dangers of being a deliveryman might be that someone would force you to rob a bank with a bomb that could and would kill you. One time though one driver got robbed at gunpoint and another had his car ransacked behind the place in between deliveries, the same night. That night was pretty surreal because I hadn't slept in 36 hours, it was exteremely busy and we seemed to be out of everything (yeah I didn't know pizza places ran out of pizza either) and I ended up riding around in a car with a 5' delivery girl named Misty who told me about how she was a blackbelt instructor in Karate but she still wanted me to ride with her because she had to deliver some pizza to the ghetto part of town (hay Kerry you used to live around there!!!11one) and wanted a witness in case she got rolled.

I don't do drugs, but sometimes, like that time, I wish I did.

Speaking of pscyhotropic induced ideas, the guys who came up with the idea for Devil Dice must have been hitting some serious shit. I remember playing that game to death. My best friend, The Joe, and I played that game so long we'd forget what time it was and oh shit is that daylight over there? Wait what day is it? We'd always have really long philosophical and religious discussions while playing it, which became much easier as we figured out the high school AP class mindfuck that is that game. Many of my current and solidified religious beliefs came to be those very nights.

My little sister, whom you may know as Liz over at thesafeword, also enjoyed the game as I recall. As such she may be pleased, though certainly not as much as I, to know that a sequel was just released for the Playstation 2. It has new rules and a really, really stupid name. But at least it's sensible since the dice now explode much like a bomb would. Actually if they called it Bob-ombastic and had Mario characters in there with the little Devils that would be awesome to the max holy crap they should pay me to design video games.

Anyhoo, you can also unlock and play with the original Devil Dice's ruleset, which pleases me. It's such a simple and elegant thing to include, it makes me all warm and fuzzy to know there's other people in the world that know what they're doing. By now I bet you're wondering just what this crazyass game I've spent two and a half paragraphs ranting about is like. Well, goody for you, there's an excellent freeware version of the original DD you can play. And you should. Right the hell NOW.

If you grasp the concept, and I surely hope you have the patience to do so, and recognize the simple genius of this game and how well done, if short lived, this man's version of it is, please email him with praise.

I'm still working at that fighting game. Really being good at these games is almost as hard as learning the martial arts represented in them. You just don't need all that icky stuff like physical endurance, pain tolerance, and exercise. Actually I like to think I do pretty well on 2 out of 3 there.

2003-08-28T01:48:00.000-04:00

Hey do you know that song that goes "Doo do doo dadoo, doo, doot?"

The internet as a communication medium really sucks for some things. Well I guess it's just communicating with written language in general but since that's the epitomy of the internet I'll place blame there. "Oh yes, I completely agree with you" could be genuine or it could be razor sharp wit in the form of the literary poison known as sarcasm. If there's one thing the internet excels at though, it's self satire. In regards to that second link, I'm trying to think of a word for when irony itself is ironic and I am failing.

The internet is also pretty cool because you can seem like a remarkably witty fellow since you have a nice 10 or 15 second window while chatting to come up with a response to something. In real life that window is more like 2 - 5 seconds (hey Kerry I'm overanalyzing!) and many of us fall flat on our social faces. Original typo: feces. Fuck you, Freud. If you're posting on a webpage or message board, you have even longer to refine your statements, switch out your words, and use proper punctuation. Knowing this makes reading most internet message boards even sadder since they exhibit subhuman qualities such as:

From: Black Night 52 | Posted: 8/27/2003 7:06:29 PM | Message Detail
Just wondering...

Would anyone else like the idea of "Bullet Time" (slow motion) during this? I think it would be nice, right before the final hit on an Officer, it goes in slow motion...Like the Matrix.

---
There are no cheap ways, only easy ones. -Me

Not only is this young, bright individual discussing just how TOTALLY JAWSOME and KEWL "Bullet Time" (slow motion) is, he offers a retarded and inane quote from himself. Two posts down:

From: Asa | Posted: 8/27/2003 7:07:48 PM | Message Detail
It's already there....<.<...if you think about it.
---
"Why do we need to think? Can't we just sit here and go BLBLBLBLBLB with our lips for a bit?"

I don't think I know what any part of any of that fucking means. I especially enjoy the elongated ellipsis and enigmatic emoticon (alliteration ahoy!). Enough of this garbage, you all know what a message board looks like. It is a barren wasteland, with comedy oases spread sparsely.

If you're emailing somebody then you've got all the time in the world which is pretty cool. You can search for purdy pickshurs to include with the email, include previously forgetten links, and just generally seem like you really know your way around the intellectual recesses (and man are they some deep recesses) of the magical internet. See as a blog poster, I could take like 15 minutes thinking up that last sentence to make it funny and try to entertain any who might read my useless words and you would never know. Actually I only spent 2 minutes on it and then I gave up so if you laughed the joke is on you because it was a pretty lame joke.

Interlude.

Today I'm heading out to my best friend's girlfriend's birthday's party's event's location. I hate multiple possessives. Anyway it will be an ice cream party, where vanilla ice cream is supplied and all invited parties are required to bring their own unique ingrediant to be shared. I think this idea is brilliant. I will be supplying those little marshmallows. I have full confidence that they will be used liberally, and that this sole act will deduct a significant amount of hell points from my afterlife scoreboard.

I know I have a lot of links in my posts, it's really to simulate content. Actually you should go to almost every link I post because they're interesting things on the internet, some you've probably seen, some I'm sure you haven't. And in case you're wondering, that song was the Super Mario Brothers theme.

You should really go to that one.

2003-08-27T06:44:00.000-04:00

I also like kitties. Bookmark that link, it's impossible to be sad if you just keep refreshing that page.

Also, I know my comments aren't working. I appear to be some sort of mental troglodyte when it comes to the internet sometimes, but I'll try to get them working. In the meantime feel free to post angsty goth webcam pics of yourself and why you hate my guts on my sister's comments.

Addendum: Nevermind they appear to be working now. Comment away, please. To the max, even.

2003-08-27T05:50:00.000-04:00

Doggie!

I saw Freddy vs. Jason. It is a fantastic movie that you should be watching right the hell now if you have any interest in gore or comedy or (for roughly 50% of the population) boobies.

I know a lot of people rag on the Friday the 13th films and think Nightmare on Elm Street is pretty cheesy (and it is), but I think people that dislike these movies are just missing the point. They're so violent and funny and are strong fanchises because they have a really interesting central character. Say, that reminds me of another movie. Evil Dead 2 and the aforementioned AoD are awesome movies as well, and I enjoy 80's slasher franchise films in much the same fashion. You should try it sometime.

Also I bought the Evil Dead videogame when it came out. I have no regrets but I think that says more about me than it does about the game.

I work at Pizza Hut. Yeah I think it's crazy they have a website too. I make damn good pizza. I know a lot of people say they don't want to work with food, specifically fast food, but I think if you HAD to work with fast food pizza is the best way to go. I've always loved pizza, probably due in no small part to an affection for some Ninpo practicing tortoises. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was an awesome cartoon. Donatello was my favorite.

They probably also account for my fascination with Ninjas. Fuck you I'm not linking to that realultimateeveryonesalreadyseenit website. That's my man Kage from Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution, my current favorite fighting game. I think ninjas are totally awesome. Yes, he's doing a flip and kicking a dude at the same time. Ladies, he's single.

Speaking of how badass ninjas are, you might not think it but they also have a sense of humor. I present to you now, in .PNG format glory, the adventures of MsPaintNinja. Forgive the formatting, it's meant to be viewed in rows of 3.

Please note the awesome red scarf which depicts ninja awesomeness.

2003-08-20T01:24:00.000-04:00

Did you ever see that movie Awakenings? It was pretty sad. My mom came home from seeing it in the theater and cried for the rest of the night. She was pretty upset. I have to admit that I had tears in my eyes more than once during the movie too. But I once read some guy's tirade about why he loves his sexual relationship with his Realdoll more than any of the relationships he had been in with real women.

That's sad.

Sometimes I think gamers are the worst people in the world. There's lots of early teenager types and even some people who are older and should know better that like to compare epenises. My skill is better than your skill, you're a faggot, you're just whining because you suck, and general I'm a better human being than you horseshit. I hate this kind of crap. Yeah, sure, being competitive is part of what playing a game is all about. Football would be boring if nobody won or nobody cared who won. But that's not ALL there is to a recreation. I think a lot of people aren't just missing the point, they're missing several points.

I bet by now you're thinking this kind of crap sounds familiar. Chances are if you post on any kind of message board you know the kind of people I'm talking about. My car outrices your car by a factor of 1000 Type R stickers, my PC Mobo is better than yours and I got it for 5 bucks less WITH this 600 dollar graphics card, or I can weave a basket underwater WAY faster than you can, faggot. This kid isn't special, I deal with the same horse hockey. I'm just saying when the asshole in question can metaphysically kill you or beat your ass and then gloat about it, it's even worse.

I'll update later today with actual life events instead of random musings. I just wanted to slap some random crap up here for the time being.

Please note that you can always click my links. They will be simple and to the point and never dirty.

PS. I love doggies.

2003-08-17T13:00:00.000-04:00

So I just stayed up all night. My sleep schedule is so screwed up that I end up going to bed at like 4AM and then waking up sometime past noon. I really hate that. I hate sleep in general. It's just wasting time when you could be goofing off doing other things. But if I don't sleep I'll die so I do sometimes.

I just talked to my sister on the phone and she seemed pretty enthusiastic about the blog. She feels that I have much funny to give to the world and so I will attempt to do so with my comedic stylings in the vein of non-sequitur and MsPaint. Bunny. MsPaint.

You should right-click save-as that last one. My MsNinja skills could be worth millions one day. Or at least worth a laugh when your kindergartener outdoes me with a fucking Crayola. Fucker.

Ok I'm totally posting this now I don't know where to go from here. I'll get comments up soon.

2003-08-17T07:56:00.000-04:00

So my sister has a blog. I read it. It's funny. I think the whole blog thing is a cool idea. I decided that if I were to have my own blog, it would be a stark contrast to the exciting misadventures and obscure cool stuff my sister is all about. Actually if you think about that my blog should be pretty boring. What I was trying to say is that my blog would still be cool and I thought I would give it a try.

End result?

I am a geek. I play videogames. I love videogames. My online handle is Techno-Kid which is like the lamest thing ever. I only keep it around because I've used it since I was 11. I like to claim that I am the first Techno-Kid on the net and the best one that plays Half-Life. Also I really like the nickname it gives me, "Tk." For whatever reason I just like it and would probably turn around if you were trying to get my attention with that name without even thinking about it. So I'm a geek but that's okay, I'm a pretty low tier geek (an oxymoron of a statement. crap, saying that makes it even worse.) probably not unlike the majority of bloggers I see commenting on my sis's webpage and whatnot.

But since videogames is my vice and not snowboarding or mixing my own "phat beatz" or breakdancing or something else cool, I'm not especially sought after by "the ladies" and people outside of my hobby rarely think it's cool. Which is a damn shame because it really is pretty cool. This is what I bring you. The thoughts of an avid gamer.

I figure I can't just write about games though, because like I said people outside of the hobby find it boring, childish, or some other form of simple. That's ok, I don't want to write all about games. There's websites like Gamespot and Gamefaqs and Evil Avatar that talk about videogames already. Extensively.

First, some important things out of the way. I hate internet lingo, l33t sp34k, chat acronyms, and any in-between form of stupid (it's a noun, now) you can think of that's popular on the internet. Having said that, I use all of these things in my own internetting (it's a verb, now), but completely in mockery of what they are. I guess it's not really my mission to teach people English all over again, it just irks me when people make themselves look retarded for no reason.

Also, my other hobbies include shooting pool, bowling, watching and knowing about movies and actors, and perpetually showing my sisters how cool I am which does no good because I need to be impressing females I'm not related to. I'm thinking maybe I'll learn to do a backflip on command because it will get more people's attention.

Now, let's see. Yeah, I like fighting games. I don't seem to know anyone else personally who does though, which is a shame because they're obviously at their best with 2 people. I consider it a personal curse that I don't have a fighting game buddy. There's just something awesome about doing awesome moves with an awesome character and demonstrating your skills awesomely. There's an adjective to describe the feeling but I can't think of it right now. I think it starts with an "A."

I make it a point to read all about games. As my hobby I'm interested in mostly all of them, even the ones I know I'll never play or buy. Games I find especially interesting I will even do a little extra credit research for no apparent reason other than to give what I know to be a solid recommendation when people ask for purchasing advice about games. Speaking of which, if you show some sort of interest in my hobby I will do what I can do hook you the fuck up. I am all about getting you some videogames, I will buy you Guilty Gear X2 if you want to play it because it is an awesome game and I would love to know someone else loves it. Let alone have someone to play a fighting game with.

As much as I appreciate fighting games though, I suppose I shouldn't have mentioned them first. I am very much a pc gamer. I have played your Counter-Strike and your Team Fortress (one of my favorites) and all your silly first person shooter videogames. I love them to death and I'm probably better at them than I ever will be at fighting games. Plus they have the added bonus of the fact that it doesn't matter whether I know anyone that plays them or not. There are thousands of potential friends and enemies to be found on the magical "internet."

Actually it's good that I mentioned fighting games, because it shows I am also very much a console gamer. I grew up on Nintendo, taking turns playing Super Mario Bros. with my sisters. I still remember them jerking the controller into the air because they claimed it made Mario jump higher. I think people who fight about which is better, PC or Console gaming, are idiots. It's like they're some sort of logically defunct being who can't understand you can play both and love them for different reasons. People who argue about which console is better and which one sucks are also idiots. No one really cares that the Xbox is huge or that the Gamecube seems kiddy. Besides, everyone knows the PS2 is the best. Actually I own a PS2, a Gamecube, a Gameboy Advance SP, and an ill fated Dreamcast which I will never sell or trade it because it is a great system with great games.

I am not the best ever at videogames but I am pretty good. There are a few games that I feel I was put on this earth to play but I'll talk about that later. But when I play games I do try to play them to be very good at them. I love watching anyone who is very good at what they do. I watch the pool championships on ESPN, I watch videos of fighting game tournaments, I watch my best friend kick Tetris Attack's ass, and I really love martial arts or swordplay movies. No not Highlander, shut up that's not funny. I'm talking like samurai flicks. Go watch some Zatoichi.

I have many links that I wish to share in an organized manner, and some that I suppose I will just put there to see if they catch your eye. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, read Penny Arcade because I enjoy their particular brand of humor and it's about videogames. Things that are both topical and funny are generally considered witty and good so go there.